Chill the F@&% Out

Ah, lazy Sundays. Right now, I'm sitting on my couch half watching the new season of Top Chef (but let's be honest, nothing compares to the first season!) with a little kitty snuggled up right next to me. No, I'm not 45 years old. I'm actually 27, but I do occasionally wear a moo-moo. What? They're comfortable!! Jeez.

Last night, I had several parties to attend, because I'm like the most popular girl (a la Teen Witch). My friend was having a milestone birthday (yeah, girl! you are flirty at thirty! and looking damn fine, I might add), and my cousin brought me to a holiday party before the big birthday bash. It was a night to remember! Too bad, I was so tired and hung over from the night before that I didn't last much longer past midnight. Did I mention that I'm not 45 years old?

Before I went out, I was napping on my couch while watching Goonies and Goonies never say die! They say pass away, it's just more formal and less harsh sounding. My friend LP gives me a holler a little while before I was about to go out. See, she had two dates planned for this weekend: one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night. Wooo-eee! I'm not gonna lie, I was a little jealous! But at the same time, so excited for her. I'm thinking that she is calling me about pre-date worries, all the stuff. But no, she calls because she thinks she being stood up. So lame!

These are the facts (sorry, I love Pushing Daisies! Something about a man being able to bring things back to life! Ooh, I'm sure he could revive my loins! Oh, wow. Over the line!): LP met this dude out at a club last Saturday night. We had a girl dance party and it ... was... awesome! I love shaking it on the dance floor! Mostly, I'm just trying to make sure that I don't fall over or spill my drink. Anyway, so he got her number and started texting her the very next day! Oohh! Nice, he's interested! He asked her out and they had plans for Saturday night. But, she never heard from him past Wednesday. And still has not heard from him! I mean, what? As she's telling me this story, I'm shaking my head with my "of course, that's so typical" look on my face.

A few weeks ago, I met this guy at an improv show. He was super cute and super into me. Woot! I went back to his place that night and had a lot of fun. I'll spare you the non-details. So, this guy was texting me during that day - the day I left his apartment - and the next day asked me out, via text message. I told him, "sure!" because I have no life, noooo, because he was super nice and cool. I'm not that desperate! Am I? I might be. Anyway. So, I never heard from him, but I did run into him again, and repeat the whole paragraph. Went home with him, da da da, texting, then nothing.

First of all, what is it with texting? I understand that it's easier to ask someone out that way, because you don't have to risk immediate rejection, but grow a pair! Give a girl a call! It's really not that hard. Suck it up if you get rejected! How else will you get accepted? Yeah, words of wisdom right there. I should copyright that shit.

Second of all, why ask someone out when you were just feigning interest in the person! I don't have time for that shit. Listen, fellas, not every girl you meet wants to marry you or even have a serious relationship with you! We have needs too. You all need to chill the fuck out. Guys are so scared that women are going to get super attached and that every woman has wedding bells in her ears constantly. Get over yourselves! I don't know if I even want to get married. So, like I said, chill the fuck out. Relax, go out with a person, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Women in New York are used to the dating scene; we are used to getting rejected and rejecting people. That's how dating works. It's not anything new. It's the same basic concept as dating in high school or college, except this time, you aren't worried about if Johnny is going to dump you in front of the whole school or via a note or if you break up and you still live on the same floor in the dorm.

I actually talked to few of my guy friends about this very topic of guys thinking that girls will get super attached. I told them to "chill the fuck out and get over yourselves." There's obviously a theme here.

So guys, if you want to go out with a girl, ask her out, then TAKE her out. Don't pretend that you want to date someone, when all you are really looking for is "does she want to date me?" I know that game. You just want some validation, then to move on. Puff up your ego a little bit, because some girl you met for a few hours wants to go out with you again. Why is that such a weird concept? It's not like we know each other well enough to get seriously offended.

Also, CALL. Texting is cute, but if you actually want to take someone out, you will call them and make plans right then and there. It's not brain surgery. Lastly, don't waste my time! I have a very busy television watching schedule, and when I set up my dvr, I expect to not be home to watch those shows. That makes no sense.

Ladies, take it all with a grain of salt! It's easier to laugh this stuff off, because when it comes down to it, women are more chilled out about dating than guys are. For sure. Like, guys are crazy scared.

Everyone else (who's not a guy or a lady), chill the fuck out.