Adventures In New York Dating

making out

2010-09-01T23:53:00.002-04:00

Guys. I'm back to online dating. I took a serious hiatus because I kept getting really weird messages like: "are you 'so excited'? what really excites you?" referencing my handle, which references Jessie Spano, duh.

So, anyway, this guy that I was just "checking out" on OkCups tonight looked super cute and funny until I kept reading his profile.

What are you really good at?

I'm a "darn good" make out partner (really who says that).

List the things you can't do without.

Something. Something. Something else. Making out.

You should message me if...

...you like making out.

OK OK OK WE GET IT YOU LIKE TO MAKE OUT.

I'm surprised that under "movies" he didn't write, "I don't watch movies, I make out during them."

I'll probably message him right after I post this.

Watch Out Ladies

2010-03-27T11:41:00.005-04:00

Hey lady readers. I actually have a really important topic to talk about today. More and more I've been hearing stories from my friends about this new epidemic. I thought it was about time that I broached the topic in a safe forum.

Ladies, something has been going on recently that has been making many us feel uncomfortable and taking us quite off guard. Ladies, I'm talking about face rape. Yeah, that's right: facial rape. It's not ok, and it happens way way too often.

Case #1: My sister went on a date with a guy a few months ago. I think she met him on some online dating website. Often, this is where it all starts. They were out on what seemed to be a nice typical date. She wasn't "feeling" him yet, but she was enjoying her time. She was enjoying her time until... You guessed it: facial rape. She turned her head to look at something at the far end of the bar and when she turned her head back, the guy was making out with her face. Jesus. The humanity!

Case #2: My friend "Sandwiches" has entered the world of online dating recently, and she has been faring pretty well. She's a tall beauty who was looking for a tall handsome man to call her own. She had been on a few dates with her tall beau, and at the time her impression of him was that he was a kind, gentle, well-mannered young lad, until... Yes, again. They were standing on the subway platform after a very civilized date when he "started raping my face. It was so awkward!" Why!?? WHYYYYY!!!

Case #3: I went on a date recently in Brooklyn with a new guy I had met on OkCupid. He seemed pretty cool and was quite attractive. When I arrived at the bar, he gave me a hug and told me to order a drink on his tab. I was excited by the fact that he was willing to pony up on this date, though, throughout the night, he kept touching my leg and well, he kept just touching me, which shot my defenses right up.

The evening had been pretty tame, except for the odd touchy advances that I ignored, until... it just came out of no where! He randomly told me that he was going to try to make out with me (why are you telling me this? I gave you no indication that I wanted to make out with you. I actually ignored and brushed off your hand every time it touched me), and then well... he raped my face. NNOOOOOO!!!!! I just met you! I didn't ask for this! This is not ok!

So, ladies be on the lookout for face rapers. There are more out there in the world than you think. And guys, don't facially rape women. It's not cool... so not cool.

Ed note: thank you to Sandwiches for coining "face rape" and letting me use it in this post.

Digital Digital Break-Up

2010-03-21T18:40:00.005-04:00

So, friends, colleagues, lovers, haters, cats, dogs, infants, as previously mentioned, I went on a date last week. LP had been using the good ole OkCupid! recently and going on lots o dates, so I signed my cute (firm) butt up to the site – also as previously mentioned.

The first email that this guy sent to me was hilarious, and every single email after that initial contact followed suit. So, needless-to-say, I was excited to go out with the guy. From his picture, I didn’t think he was super cute, but pictures can’t always give the full … picture? … of what a person looks like. And I’m not THAT shallow. Sometimes, maybe.

We went out on our fantastical date on a rainy Monday night, and everything seemed to go wrong from the moment I met up with him. The restaurant he wanted to go to had a long wait (he didn’t make a reservation), he ordered an entire bottle of wine for our meal (that’s way too much for a first date), he told me about his ex-girlfriend (they were together for five years and they broke up after he proposed), he didn’t offer to pay (it’s the gesture that counts), he emailed me continually following the date (once when he got home that night, the next morning, another one that day, the following day, the day after). It was just a snowball of all the wrong moves.

I was feeling smothered and extremely awkward. I felt like I was already in a relationship with the guy and we got to the phase when we wear sweatpants around each other and eat ice cream out of the carton as it drips onto our sweats and gets all over our faces, then we pass out.

“Honey, pass me the remote."

“…”

“Honey!?”

“What?”

“The remote?”

“Oh. I’m hungry”

So exciting.

I am not old fashioned at all, but dating is smoke in mirrors. Yes, you should be yourself, but there are “rules” for a reason, though you shouldn’t follow them too strictly. It’s all about anticipation and the excitement (and that poopy-pants feeling) of getting to know someone slowly. Hot, right? Totally.

I blew him off over the weekend – he asked me out on Wednesday and was upset because Friday was TOO LONG to wait to see me. CHILLOUTWEJUSTMET. I know I’m pretty awesome, but work for it dude! Make me want to date you.

I had to write him the dreaded break-up email that basically said I didn’t feel the chemistry between the two of us blahbity blah blah. He was really nice in his response, which was comforting, but I still felt bad for having to write the email in the first place. I got advice from a few lady friends about what to say. Surprisingly, I have a bunch of friends who have had to write the same exact email. I’m also prone to give someone a second chance, because dates can be awkward and people get really nervous! But, it was way too much follow-up work on his behalf.

My friend once got a preemptive break up email from a potential suitor. She had gone on one date with him – met him online – and the day after their date, he wrote to her to let her down. He didn’t “feel cupid’s dart” but thought she was great, which (spoiler alert) she is. She’s one of the coolest, most bad-ass chicks I know. AND she’s extremely hot. Cupid’s dart? Really? Really? Not a super masculine thing to say. Any dude who writes that in an email isn’t good enough for that foxy lady. Not at aaaalllllll.

She thought it was hilarious that he had to write the email in the first place. “He could have just never written me and I wouldn’t have cared.”

What to do after a date! How long do you wait to contact the person if you like them? Some people say a few days. Some people say a week. Some people say … never. But those people are jerks.

Ok, Cupid

2010-03-17T00:02:00.007-04:00

Oh man readers! I started online dating! Again! I tried doing this a few years ago and I absolutely hated it. I got a few messages from only really creepy guys, but I never ended up going out on any dates with anyone.

“Is there no one out there who is normal and wants to date me!?”

I shouted that many times out my bedroom window and the crazy old lady across the street looked at me like she saw a younger version of herself. I immediately puked, showered, brushed my teeth and hooked up with a young Hispanic dude in my building. None of that actually happened. Or did it!?!?!

At any rate! My good pal, LP, told me that she had been using OkCupid! for awhile and lurved it. She was going out on lots of dates, and she assured me that there are far more normal peeps on this site as compared to the site I was using. In fact, she and the guru have been dating a lot lately (sluts! Kidding LOVE YOU) and I felt like I should throw myself in the mix, get some hunky dude to take me out, take me dancing or something...

Or he could take me to a really fancy restaurant and have the maître d hire a violinist to play a beautiful song while an opera singer backs him up. Then, he’ll take me back to his place where it’s covered in roses and lit candles, but it’s not a fire hazard, it’s an amazing love den for the two of us! Can you imagine!? Ah, such romance. Such intimacy. (This entire entry is being written in bed while my cat chases her tail. I am awesome.)

While I wait for the inevitable (or impossible), I will have to resort to dating some dudes online or at least emailing with them. OkCupid are the same people who bring us all Crazy Blind Date, and you all know how I feel about Crazy Blind Date. It’s pretty much amazing and everyone needs to do it at least once. Fo reals. It’s the shiznizzle bomb.

OkCupid has so far been really great. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from normal sounding dudes and have even gone out on a date! I’ve been on the site for a week, and I had a date! Me! A DATE! The date was a lot of fun and I’ll have to update you on that later, because of course there were plenty o awkward moments...

For now, there are more important matters at hand. While OkCupid has given me a much better experience this time around with online dating, there is still some weird shit going on. Not gonna lie. I hate the whole “wink” function. I understand that people are shy about dating and that’s why they signed up to date online, but just write a message. On the other hand, I’ve gotten a message that probably should have been a wink. It read: Hello. I came in my pants when I read that. Such poetry! So much effort!

I’m a bitch. I know.

But the best message that I have received so far was sent to me by a 37 year old man, who doesn’t even have a picture up on his profile, he has a painting of a woman. His message will live forever in my mind. His heart will go on.

“you are so pretty and feminine.... ;-) so lucky to be a girl.

hugs

xo”

Thank…you? I am lucky to be a girl, especially once a month. Right!? Too much, sorry. Yeah, so I just ignored this message. It doesn’t make any sense and in all honesty, it freaked me out. I went to his profile to see what his deal was and I found that he is married. Married. He is married. Who married him?? Apparently, he and his wife are A-OK with having lovers. That concept makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really think you should get married if you want to have lovers, but that’s just me. Call me old fashioned!

So, I thought I would never hear from him again, since I blatantly ignored his message, but today as I was trying to find my dream man who will take me on horseback rides in the Caribbean and draw a bath for me after a long day with cold champagne ready for the drinkin’ all set up near the heart shaped bath tub… Ah sorry. Fantasies are getting out of hand!

Anyway, I got an IM from the married dude:

“is it weird that as a man i want a special female friend who has or might have another male lover?”

WHAT! We just went from Weirdsville to Whatthefuckisgoingontown. Who writes that!? There was no, “Hi, how you doing? Crazy weather we’re having? I like my ladies to have multiple lovers. Interested?”

Needless-to-say, I blocked the guy. I definitely don’t need head cases contacting me on a dating website, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who is openly cheating on their wife either. Even if they are both cool with it. It freaks me out.

Sigh! Don’t worry though. I have faith in this website. I will find that man who will let me sleep late because I had a long night, then bring me breakfast in bed because I’m too hungover to get up. He’ll make the best omelet I’ve ever tasted and bring me coffee straight from Columbia surprising me with tickets to Columbia and we’ll laugh and pack and leave the country without a worry in the world! Sigh, indeed.

Until then, I’ll try to steer clear of Whatthefuckisgoingontown and you should to.

Happy Valentine's, Lovelies!

2010-02-14T14:10:00.003-05:00

A very happy Valentine's day to you all! Picture me: home watching movies, covered in blankets, sipping tea and snuggling with my cat. All true! I'm sick as a dog (whatever that saying means anyway, are dogs sick? and if so, how sick?) with some kind of cold and / or flu. I was planning to go over to my good friend / favorite chef's apartment for chocolate, wine and scary movies, but I shook the Magic 8 Ball and "outlook not good." Instead, I fear that I will be stuck at home watching crappy movies all day long.

SIIIIIIIGH.

Sadly, I don't actually have any good Valentine's day stories. I can't even remember the last time I had a "special someone" on this very blessed day. A-men. Or perhaps "A Man!" What!? I don't know. I think the cold medicine is making me loopy.

My friend wrote me earlier in the week saying that she was looking forward to a Valentine's day posting, so I told her that I was going to go out to a bar or restaurant to hit on people today just so I could have something to write. And by people, I meant couples. Like, join their dates and make them feel awesomely uncomfortable. How lucky they would have been! But alas, all my plans are now nil because I went ahead and got sick.

So, I'm going to take this time to tell everyone who reads this blog that I love you. I love you so much. You read my ramblings. You love me for my awkwardness. You love me for how pathetic I truly can be at times. And I love you for loving me. So come here. Come closer. Close your eyes.

Guest Blogger?

2010-02-10T17:06:00.004-05:00

SO my dedicated readers! Since I posted the epic story, "The Hobble," the guru has become friends (just how good is still pending) with said hobble, Blainebo. Turns out, he's pretty awesome (pending further approval). AH, connections! Drunk ass connections! I've actually been keeping in touch with him as well.

The guru went ahead and sent him the posting for "The Hobble" and he luuuurved it. He lurved it so much that he was all jazzed up about creating some posts for this here blog. I am all about people sharing their stories with me so I can get some new insights and points-of-view on the blog, because let's face it, I can't be out on dates ALL THE TIME. I mean, I could but I just choose not to. OH yeah! Up top! Nice.

So, Blainebo emails me on a Saturday night and asks if he can contribute a guest entry, and I write back, "of course! send it along and I'll post it up for you!" Below is what he sent me. I literally cut and paste this from my email to your eyes.

"It's called 'Pick-up Spots'

Location; sagamore hotel, miami
Time; 7:28pm
Scene. Wow. Lady gaga would be embarassed here. What do parents do to their kids to make them want to dress like this?"

That's it? That's what you wanted to post? Blainebo! You are going to have to try a bit harder than that! Let me point out what strikes me as unusual.

1. Miami? He knows the title of my blog is "Adventures in New York Dating" right? I mean, I'm all about so-called "Pick-up Spots," but in my neighborhood pick-up spots would be preferable. I'm not going to travel to Miami to find a dude. I'm not that desperate. Maybe sometimes I am. NO NO I'm definitely not! ...maybe.

2. 7:28pm? That's a little early to be trying to pick up a hottie on a Saturday night. That's M-F happy hour pick-up time. I think most of the people you are going to pick up are going to be either of AARP age or "regulars." And by regulars, I mean they are already going to be vomit-wasted by this time and they do this every day.

3. I don't even know how to begin to tackle this last one. The only place Lady Gaga would ever be embarrassed would be at a rodeo. Wait, no. She'd probably be ok with that. Maybe a retirement home? A J. Crew photo shoot? At a WASPy dinner party? I can't think of anything...

"What do parents do to their kids to make them want to dress like this?" Ok, verge of funny right now, but what are they wearing!? And why are their kids at a bar? Am I misinterpreting? Help! Help!

OH man. It was a good attempt, but A LITTLE more effort needs to be involved, amiright?

Blainebo emailed me on Monday, "No recollection of this email chain. Ha ha." So, I'm giving him a break on this one! Too much Miami heat and Lady Gaga wanna-be's.

Miami? Really?

The Hobble: An Epic Tale

2010-01-31T12:22:00.005-05:00

Written by A. R. R. Tolkien

The Hobble follows the epic quest of the cane-bearing Blainebo Baggins.

"In a bar in Brooklyn there drank a hobble. Not a nasty, dirty, wet bar, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy bar with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobble-bar, and that means drunk bitches."

It had a perfectly stocked bar like you would imagine in any bar in Brooklyn. The Hobble had a plan for the night. I plan that would go down in history as the best pick-up technique ever seen by Man and Hobble alike.

We begin our story with two Women imbibing at The Sackett-shire bar just a few jaunts away from the Hobble-bar (also known to shire-folk as Union Hall). The two Women met up past the hour of midnight for they both had quests to fulfill prior to their rendez-vous. They laughed and drank ales until the quiet setting was to calm for their liking.

They sauntered up the trail to Union Hall so they might enjoy a livelier crowd for the evening, as this night was turning out to be quite a fun adventure for both of them. These Women are seasoned veterans when talking to Men, so they decided to use their skills for the good of Man- and Womankind.

Union Hall was disappointingly not as bustling as they had hoped, but they made the most of the night and positioned themselves by some attractive hat-bearing Men. To which, the Women quickly decided to leave for there was a dance party in the basement. Classic rock music played as the gyrated on the dance floor getting their "groove thing on" as some folk might say.

The dance party died down from a musical folly by the Disc Jockey, so the Women took their places by the hat-bearing Men.

I must tell you at this time, these Women, nor any folk in the bar for that matter, realized that this was, in fact, a Hobble-bar.

The Women began to converse with the hat-bearing Men and they learned that these Men were born of the country to the North and were at Union Hall on an adventure from their land. One of the Women also hails from the North country, so she was pleased to speak with her fellow countrymen.

The glasses-bearing Woman was particularly fond of the stripe-bearing Man for he had a smile that lit the room and eyes that pierced her hardened soul. He was also interested in this Woman for he had left the other Women with which he was playing a friendly game of bocce ball to join the glasses-bearing Woman for an ale. His friend begged him to join them for the remainder of the game for it was obvious that he was interested in the young Women bearing little clothes on this frigid evening.

The Men left these Women to finish their ales on their own, and this is the part of the story where the Hobble enters. The Women were laughing and enjoying each other's company when out of nowhere the cane-bearing Hobble questioned them.

"Are you making fun of my disability?"

The Women did not even see him walk towards them so they were quite shocked at his question. Their faces blanched, for they were loving Women and cared for all creatures in the Earth - except for cats. The Northern Woman earlier had conjectured that cats were "weird creatures" and she wished them all dead. The glasses-bearing Woman had a cat for a pet, but found no offense to her statement as she knew the Northern Woman had finally admitted what she had known to be her feelings all along.

So, the Women with faces blanched hastily denied that they were laughing at his disability and were worried they had offended the Hobble. The Hobble then laughed and the Women realized something. The Woman from the North spoke first.

"Is that your line?? If that's your line, I will have sex with you tonight."

The Hobble admitted that he was indeed using a line on the Women and they all had a merry laugh about it. What fun! What fun was had for the remainder of the evening. The Hobble told the Women they he had just hurt his knee the day before and did not have a disability, rather an injury. This Hobble certainly knew how to entertain, which is true of most Hobbles. They are a jolly folk indeed.

The Women were then joined by the Hobble's friends who turned out to be Men. The glasses-bearing Woman played wing-man for the Northern Woman as she laughed the evening away with her new Hobble love interest. A good time was had by all. They drank ale and told stories until the wee hours of the morning when the Hobble-bar started closing down the metal gates.

The glasses-bearing Woman glanced towards the bar where she saw the stripe-bearing Man she had spoken with earlier in the evening. They waved at one another and knew, just knew, that they would never see each other again. It was a sad moment for the glasses-bearing Woman as she had thought this Man was quite nice and very attractive. They shared one final goodbye wave and the stripe-bearing Man left into the cold of the night without another word spoken.

The Women left the bar with the Hobble and his jolly friends and they all went their separate ways. Little did they know that the Hobble and the Northern Woman arranged a secret rendez-vous at her living quarters. The Hobble and the Woman were enjoying each other's company when the Woman questioned him.

"Am I hurting your knee? Wait. You're not even injured are you?"

The Hobble admitted, "Nope. I'm not." And he got up and walked to the restroom. When he returned he told her that he found the cane on the street on the way to the bar to meet his friends. His friends were also unaware of his false injury, which made the Woman laugh even harder than she already was for this was the most amazing story she had ever heard. The Woman pleaded to the Hobble that they must be friends even if being romantic didn't work out for them. She found him to be interesting for he was a Master. A Master pick-up artist with skills unseen by her before. She was known as the Guru in some circles, but she realized quickly that the Hobble had surpassed her skills.

The Hobble left her living quarters the next morning and limped into the sunlight knowing that he had accomplished a magnificent feat. He had accomplished what he set out for the evening. The sun shone down on him as he walked off into the distance...

2010: Year of Men

2010-01-03T11:22:00.002-05:00

I spent New Year’s eve up in Vermont for the second year in a row. I don’t think I’ll do New Year’s any other way. I go up with some friends to my Uncles’ very welcoming, very gay home. So the combination of family and gay meant there would be no hooking up for me, but that made no difference to me, as it is always a great time. We eat way too much food, drink way too much, and watch the Twilight Zone marathon.

I actually learn lots of lessons from the women in the Twilight Zone: always fall while running, know how to “wrestle up” some coffee, react very dramatically with your face when something crazy happens, but not too crazy as to make you look unattractive, be in abusive relationships, be extremely attractive or have been extremely attractive once in your life, BE AWESOME. The list could go on, but I will stop. You can always add some in the comments, if you so choose!

SO, we dubbed 2010 the Year of Men. I usually go up to VT with some of my amazing single lady friends and we decided that this year, we are going to be extremely slutty. NO, we decided that it will be a more confident year for us and we will go forward through the seas of men and come up victorious! FREEDOM!

I decided that in honor of the Year of Men, I was going to make a list of pseudo resolutions – more like a list of goals for myself in this all exciting and testosterone-filled year.

1. Stop being so damn stand-offish. It’s easy for me to dismiss a guy at a bar who is simply trying to make conversation. I have a very small tolerance threshold for bullshit, and an even smaller tolerance threshold for idiots. There are a lot of idiots out there. Though, I do realize that I need to give people more of a chance, so I’ll like… totally work on that.

2. This has nothing to do with dating, but I need to stop spending so much money! I have a tendency to just go with the flow and spend way outside my budget. I get really wrapped up in fun and end up staying out late and spending away like money doesn’t matter, as you can tell by some of my posts. So, I guess finding more budget friendly social events should be my goal… Easy enough! <-- I’ll be regretting writing that. I should just make dudes buy more drinks for me. That will help me save some money.

3. Stop taking dating advice from MTV reality shows. I don’t think I need to explain this one.

4. Stop making excuses. I find myself saying, “Well, he does yoga” or “We see each other so often” or “He has weird hair” or “He makes macramé in his spare time” or “He doesn’t have a job” or… Well the job one, I should probably keep as an excuse. Regardless, I tend to make excuses as to why I don’t go for someone. My friends have been pointing it out lately, and it’s so true. You can’t know for sure if something will work out or not unless you try! Chances! Life! Exciting!

5. Start dressing more trashy / sexy. Those girls who wear the whore outfits seem to get all the guys. So, today I’m going to go shopping at Hot Topic to get a JWoww outfit (Jersey Shore, amiright?).

6. Start going on study expeditions. Like, I am just going to go out on reconnaissance missions to study how people hook up. My friend was telling me a story the other day how one of our mutual friends wanted to hook up with anyone, so she pointed to a guy then walked up to him – 5 minutes later they left together. How does that happen!? I need to take slut lessons.

7. Stop talking about my cat. Enough said.

8. Go to new bars. I tend to frequent the same places all the time. I get really comfortable going to the same bars over and over again. I took a nap in a bar once. I got kicked out. They didn’t understand that I was just “resting my eyes.” I was not, I repeat not passed out. But, seriously, I fall into the same patterns when I feel at home, so I need to put myself into situations where I feel slightly less comfortable, where there is less nap potential.

9. Stop going for unavailable guys. It’s easy to flirt with someone who isn’t exactly available because you pretty much know that nothing will happen. That is, until you start getting invested in the person and they are just completely unavailable. Fun times!

10. Start taking more chances. I think that’s probably the theme of this entire list. I am generally a very happy person. I do things that make me happy and I surround myself with people who are awesome and supportive of my oddities. I take more chances with my friends than with relationships. So this year, I will take a page out of the ABBA songbook and "take a chance on me" finding a dude. Or whatever. Something like that, right? Sure.

So, everyone embrace this new year, the Year of Men, even if you are a straight dude or a lesbian. Embrace it. Love it. Vomit on it. Lovingly coddle it. Facetiously poke it in its belly. Make fun of it. Live it! Do it now, bitches!

Happy 2010!

Meat Up: Extra Beef

2009-12-23T21:44:00.005-05:00

I am a professional facebook stalker. It's a really bad habit, but I figure that most people do it too... I mean, right!? People check other people's status updates constantly? Trying to think of something witty yet insightful to say? Right? Right!?!? Right.

So, I noticed that one of my friends posted something about a "meat up" on his facebook page and that he would be bartending at said meat up. I did a little investigation and it turned out that this whole fancy pantsy hook-up event was taking place at a bar in my hood. Naturally, I screamed loudly at work with glee and desperation. Happening in my neighborhood! A singles event! The gods are certainly shining on me today. Thank you very much! My coworker happened to walk by as I screamed and she just rolled her eyes. Someone's jealous!

I immediately emailed a few friends to see if they were interested in going with me, and my friend LP wrote me back saying that she would mos def like to be my "date" to the meat market. We hadn't hung out for awhile, so this was going to be a night! A night in which we mostly talked to ourselves, because these events tend to be slightly creepy and uncomfortable. Forced mingling. Ick.

I coach a local Brooklyn swim team on the night that the event was happening so I had to sneak out a little early to get my flirt on. Awwww yeaaaahhhh. Watch out boys! I'm coming and I'm gonna make you feel extremely uncomfortable. Yes!

With my newly applied chlorine perfume on, I made my way to meet up with LP. As we walked into the bar, we noticed that they had a hot dog stand set up at the entrance. Great idea! Why not give potential hook-ups some hot dogs... with onions... and saurkraut... and mustard. That will certainly make everyone MUCH more attractive... with sweet breath... and absolutely no bowel issues what-so-ever. Classy.

They were also giving out name tags when we walked in, and my stomach just dropped. I was thinking how many times I was going to get some dude talking to me while checking out my name tag which also happens to be very very close to my boobs. Fab. To top it off, they were asking what you wanted your porn name to be. Really? Really? LP and I turned down the offer for a name tag, and the guy in line behind us for the coat check wittily said, "Oh, you don't want to talk to anyone tonight?" To which I replied, "This is a couples event, right!?" To which he said, "You two have fun tonight." I really know how the hook the fellas in!

Let me just say, the night was a bit awkward - big surprise! Everyone was there because they were single or supporting a single friend, so it took the cool factor out of just hanging out at a bar, which is usually my m.o. I'm cool! I'm hip! LP and I noticed right away that it was going to be one of those nights, where we will have tons of fun, but we probably won't be meeting the man of our respective dreams! There were actually quite a few fellas at the event, but most of them were already talking to girls. Big surprise yet again!

LP and I had a great time and got a free drink out of it and some laughs shared at the expense of other people. Always a great way to lift the spirits. As we were heading out of the most unsuccessful pick-up night of the century, I saw a few of my dude friends walking in. I decided quickly that I, too, wanted to stay and said goodbye to my dear LP. I'm a horrible friend. I was like, oh guys I know are here... LATER. They were with a girl I didn't know, but we became fast friends. This chick was on the prowl. Much more aggressive than I am, so it was fun.

OF COURSE as soon as I walk in with the guys, they immediately start talking to girls. How does that happen? Sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but stuff like that never happens to me. I have to at least have a few beers in me to talk to a guy. I am really judgmental, so if I start talking to a guy before having a drink, I will openly roll my eyes at him and his lame attempts to make jokes and compliment me. Yup. I'm an asshole.

At one point, some guys come to talk to me and my new friend. I know his friend is just talking to me because his friend is talking to my new friend for life and ever and ever... and ever. He's a bit of a douchebag. When I told him I worked for a nonprofit, he asked, ever so delicately and respectfully, "What? You don't like money?" Yeah, that's right. I don't like money. In fact, I hate it. I give all of the money I make to the charity I work for. I don't have a home. The clothes that I'm wearing? Oh, I picked them up at a Salvation Army. Oh, and this beer? I stole it.

Then he said, "Well, I work for-profit, so you probably hate me. I work on Wall Street." Nope, I don't hate you because you work on Wall Street, but I don't really think you are that sharp and are a bit of a tactless d'bag. Then, he asked my most dreaded and hated question. This question makes me want to vomit all over the person asking it. Then it makes me want to go eat a hot dog from the front of the bar and vomit again. "What do you do for fun?" I read Steinbeck and knit clothes for the future children I want to have... with you... do you want kids? Want to see my knittings? I always carry them with me... just in case...

Interview questions within the first minute of talking to someone is never a good sign. I never know how to answer them. I don't want to answer them. I want to have a conversation and find out if I get along with you, not talk about what I do or what colors me pink. Or whatever that expression might be.

I told him I was a comedian, because I didn't know what else to say. He told me to tell him a joke, and I said, "No. I don't tell jokes... I need to go to the bathroom." So hot. GOD, I'm so hot. He wasn't hanging around when I came back, and I felt fine about that.

I stumbled home that night in the freezing cold slightly disappointed, but not too much. I had a great time and I didn't make too much of an ass of myself. All-in-all a good night! Except for the fact that NO pizza places were open on my stumble home. I was so pissed. Even the bodega was closed near my apartment. Ramen it is!

What do you do for fun???

BLARGH.

Allergy Hilarity

2009-10-27T19:51:00.004-04:00

Today I had to take a good ole trip to the allergist. You see, I haven't been able to breath out of my nose for the past two weeks - SEXY - so I decided it was time to see an expert of the nose. I can't be hitting on dudes while mouth breathing, it's just, um, not ok. I would have to "come up for air" while making out. So not cute.

The allergist is an adorable little Jewish Brooklyn man. He won my heart over within five minutes of our consultation; I believe it was right after he told me he did some stand-up comedy. What!? A comedian allergist! Hilarious!

So, I had to get some tests done by the PA before meeting again with my little comedic demon of a doctor. He pricked me with about 50 needles on my forearms. Just to add to the hotness of having allergies, I was now marked as one with allergies. The world is doomed! She who is marked as allergic liiiiivvveess!!! AAaaarrrggh!!

I also had to get an asthma test at the same time. We have to cover every 13 year old's fear during this visit. Next I thought they were going to tell me I had to get braces and that Johnny didn't want to go out with me. Sad.

The following conversation happened:

PA: Ok, so we are going to do an asthma test.

Me: Alright.

PA: Stand here and hold this (hands me a tube). Now, you are going to hold this at your waist and when I tell you, put it in your mouth and blow.

Me: Ok.

PA: Put it in your mouth.

Me: (blows)

PA: Ok, we are going to do this again. This time, I want you to put it further in your mouth past your teeth. When I say, put it in your mouth... blow.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Ok.

PA: Put it in your mouth.

Me: (blows)

It took a lot, a lot, for me not to laugh in his face. He was very forceful telling me to put it in my mouth... over and over again. I was like, dude, chill. At least take me on a date first! For reals.

Meanwhile back with the comedian allergist... Apparently he had gotten a few negative comments on City Search and was really self-conscious about the remarks. So self-conscious that he took it upon himself to explain the reason for one of the negative comments. He then asked me to endorse his listing on Yelp. He said that he was trying to develop his profile there. I took it upon myself to throw a little comedy into the mix.

Me: Oh, so you are trying to de-yelp-op it?

Comedy Doc: (blank stare)

Me: De-yel-op it?

Comedy Doc: (blank stare... blinks)

Me: Get it??? De-yelpop ... de-yelp ... (trails off)

Comedy Doc: Uh, huh. Well, here are some nose sprays...

He obviously knows nothing about comedy.

Twitter Twatter

2009-10-25T13:37:00.003-04:00

Today I decided it was time that I get with it and join the latest social networking craze about two years late. I'm SO on top of the times. I just bought a snap bracelet! I hope they are still cool (UPDATE: They are! And I have the wrist bruises to prove it). So, I joined Twitter. So, I left Twitter. All in one day! I've been quite productive. If I do nothing else for the rest of the day, I will feel like I accomplished something! Cocktail time!

My friend, the minx, kept telling me that I needed to join Twitter to get my blog out to the public and to "share the Annie love!" Aww, so sweet! She likes me, she really likes me! The minx, as you can deduce from her code name, is quite one sexy bitch and I just had to listen to her. So, I finally broke down and decided to join this whole status updatey thing that everyone has been telling me about. I mean, what could go wrong! Everything apparently.

I didn't realize that I should probably set up a separate email account and not use my real name, because, you know, I talk about actual people on this blog and that's a big no no in the world of the Internet. I would actually feel bad if someone read something about themselves on here (which actually did happen once, but that is for another entry!).

So, I signed up and at the same time, since I was feeling soooo productive, I set up a fan page on Facebook for the blog and I linked the two. Ah, man. What am I doing? All the while I'm thinking, how I'm really getting shit done today - SO PRODUCTIVE. Meanwhile, this is not a good idea. This is really not a good idea. Twitter prompts you to "follow" people right when you sign up, so of course I select all these wonderful people that I know, but that wasn't the point of me signing up for Twitter. The point was to be anonymous with the blog and let people I don't know read it.

It all just started snowballing. My name was "AwkwardDating," so that I could just write stupid updates about how weird and awkward I am. (Side note: I deleted the Facebook page like 5 min after creating it, but not before invited a ton of people to become a fan. SIGH. I should not be allowed on the Internet.) So, immediately people start following me and sending messages to me. It was complete overload. And a lot of the people sending me messages had never read the blog, but thankfully I didn't actually link to the blog yet. This little fact did not stop me from freaking out for my entire brunch.

I left my apartment a few minutes after changing my social networking life forever only to feel a deep, deep regret. I was meeting up with friends who I haven't seen in a long time, but I could only think about the fact that I now have a Twitter account and people might find out about the blog... people I write about. Gah! What have I done!? The world is doomed! Twitter has outed me as an Internet bitch! GAH!!!!! BOOM EXPLOSION FIREWORKS PEE. All that happened in my head (and pants).

My brain could not stop thinking about the account. "What if they all find my blog?" "Will anyone ever speak to me again?" "Is it really that bad?" "What is vegan bacon?" Then, I left three extremely awkward messages for three of my friends. SUUUUPER awkward. "Hi, um, it's Anne. You are on Twitter. Um, I just set up an account and I'm freaking out. Twitter question. Call me. Ah, yeah. Uuuumm. Ha ha. Yeah, please call. I think I messed up. TWITTER!" But you should know, there were many pauses and dead air during my messages. In one of the messages, I didn't start speaking until 15 seconds after the beep, because I was almost getting hit by a car. Twitter almost killed me. Twitter almost KILLED me. Deal with that one.

Right when I walked through my door, I turned on my computer and deleted my account. All in all, I wasn't a big deal, but I still freaked out. And now, all the world is at peace and I can stop crying. Wait, no I can't. I just can't! I don't have it in me! Tears of joy and allergies!

Moral of the story: I should never attempt to pretend to be productive before 10am on a Sunday before drinking coffee. AND I realized that the Internet scares me. Someone hold me!

Voulez-vous do me?

2009-10-18T12:31:00.005-04:00

Foreign guys love me. I don't know what it is. It may be the language barrier. Hmmmm, it's most likely the language barrier. I am really good at looking cute while not understanding what someone is telling me.

There is this one guy who is a regular at the French restaurant that me and the guru frequent. I think he is gorgeous, but the guru is on the fence. He's got that preppy, French businessman look to him, which I find to be super hot. And it's strange because I normally go for guys who wear jeans and crappy tee-shirts. You know, the "I probably don't have a job" look. Sessy.

So, Frenchy French is putting on the heavy flirt with me one night. Telling me how cute my jeans make me look, which obviously means that he's been checking out my ass. My ass is stellar. Out of this world. Interplanetary. Cosmic! PLANETS! SOLAR SYSTEM!!! Anne's ass.

Frenchy French got my number that night, and at 4am I got a call from him. Score! 4am booty call! It's been awhile since that's happened, so I was actually really excited and quite flattered. I was in bed asleep. I pooped out at midnight that night. Like I've said many times before, I'm awesome and not geriatric.

I haven't seen or heard from Frenchy French since then. I had an inkling to call him the next day, but I fought against it. Instead, I picked up my remote control and vat of ice cream and had a date with myself and "CSI". Heaven!

UPDATE!
My friend emailed me and asked if I fell asleep after the 4am booty call, to which I replied, "I totally woke up, looked at my phone, smiled to myself, then promptly went right back to sleep. I'm such a dork!" It's official, I'm a dork.

I Got You on my Sprain

2009-10-10T14:15:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, I really amaze myself. I do awesome things all the time. Awesome things that result in me having a sprained ankle. Last Sunday, I was out in the hood with the guru and our good friend. After a lovely dinner at al di la (seriously, it's amazing - I missed dinner, but caught dessert and wine with them), we decided to take the party out in the slope. Woo! Sunday night! My drinking on school nights is getting a little out of hand, but I can never say no to these two. They are simply adorable, and I'm easily persuaded to do almost anything. Within reason, of course!

After a few bars, we decided to go for one more, our nightcap, because, you know, it was only 2am. Fuck, work is going to suck in the a.m. En route, I thought that it would be so fucking cool if I did some freestyle walking. Google that on the internet if you don't know what it is. It's ridiculous. So, after a sweet jump, I fell and twisted my ankle. Me = idiot. It looked RAD though, or so I was told. I have to keep telling myself that, just so I can justify doing something really stupid with the fact that it looked cool. I just need validation! I just need someone to love me! Why won't you love me!? Tear.

Anyway, the ankle wasn't feeling much better after a couple of days, so I decided that it was time to go see a doctor. My boss gave me the name of her ankle specialist. That's right, a specialist. I told her that I twisted my ankle stepping the wrong way off of a curb, leaving out the fact that I had been drinking and was doing a dumb ass stunt. She told me she did the exact same thing. I imagined her freestyle walking and it made me laugh. When she asked what I was laughing about, I just stared at her, then turned the other way. Awkward.

So, I made my way to the doctor's office, and it's official, waiting rooms are strange. Sick people are normal for a waiting room, so is being a fucking weirdo. This waiting room in particular was filled with weirdos. People not knowing how to fill out their form. People coughing. People all in my space. Listen, lady, my bag is sitting there. OK? You can take any of the 10 other seats open. MmmmKthanks.

The nurse calls me into the patient room off of the waiting room. I never understand this part of being in a doctor's office. I usually have to wait 10 more minutes in that little room, but in this case the doctor comes in right away which is a nice little treat. It's also a nice little treat that he's HOT. H-O-T-T hot. He actually looks surprised at my appearance. I'm normal looking. I deduced that he was surprised that I wasn't a weirdo, like all of the weirdos in the waiting room. Already off to a good start! I asked him to marry me right then and there. The end.

OH snap! Fooled you! I totes didn't do that, but it would have been pretty ballsy (and awweesome).

So, he takes a look at my ankle, and asks me if I've been wrapping it. I told him that I was using my high top Chucks to brace my ankle. I'm inventive and creative with healing techniques! I will surely impress him with my medical knowledge! As I'm showing him my ankle, like, angling it so he can see the bruising, he says, "Oh, can you just turn a little bit?" So I angle more, propping myself completely onto my side while sitting in a chair. I was thinking, "This is such an awkward position, why does he want me to turn like this?" He says, "No, could you just sit normally?" Nice. Real, nice, Anne. "Oh, ha. Of course. So stupid of me!" He is really charming though and jokes around with me a bit about my ankle, so I'm not being too awkward. ...Yet.

He then took me to get an X-ray and as he is putting that heavy X-ray blanket thing on me, he says, "So, I have to ask this... Are you pregnant?" My response: "NO. Ha ha. NO. Definitely not pregnant. Definitely not." Uh oh. Jesus, stop talking! Stop yourself from saying anything more! I can feel myself wanting to joke around and say something really stupid. It's building up and I know I'm going to make an ass out of myself in front of this handsome and charming doctor. He says, "Well, you know, I never ask the guys that! Ha ha." Me: "Yeah, I guess not. I was going say um ha ha did you uh say think I was ff fff fat. Ha ha."

Mmmm. There it is. There you go. The awkward has been revealed like I knew it would. He laughed a small uncomfortable laugh as he silently judged me, then said, "OK, so look to your left and you will see the X-ray."

Yup. I'm back, people!

Is That a Mirror in Your Pants

2009-10-02T07:55:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, my friend IM'ed me with this: "I can't believe I slept with two guys at once." This was the first thing she said. There was no, "Hey, so crazy story!" or, "Hey there! Listen to this one." She just laid it all out there.

This is what went through my head when she told me the "news:"

"Oh WHAT! Um, uh. Ok. Wow. How does that even work? I would be so confused. Uh, I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. So, does one guy just stand there an wait until the other one is finished? Are there multiple 'goings-on'? I don't want to think about this! Jeez. But, seriously, how does that work!?"

This is how I responded:

"WHAT! Way to get my attention!"

Then I went on to think:

"What would I do if this option was suddenly available to me? Would I do it? How would they ask me? 'Hey, so we want to do you at the same time.' That's probably not how they would ask. It would probably be something like, 'We want to stick it in you at the same time.' No, that's probably not right either, and that's pretty much what I thought initially. I think I would have to turn them down, because of sheer confusion."

Seriously how DOES that work!?

Falling Over in Failure

2009-09-25T16:48:00.004-04:00

A few nights ago, the guru and I went out for a classy dinner in Park Slope. Some people may think we are dating when we dine together, because of all the laughing and making out, but, aahhh, we are not an item and we don't really make out... in public. After an amazing dinner, we thought we should go out for one more drink. We were on a mission. "It's Wednesday night. Let's pick up some dudes!" Our motto for the evening.

We made our way to our favorite watering hole, but unfortunately our favorite bartender wasn't working, so we were absent friendly banter and free Stella. Ah, well, let's find the dudes!

We staked our claim of awesome seats in plain view of a group of guys who we referred to as "The Apatow Crew," because one guy looked like Jonah Hill, except skinnier. The entire group was named for one kid who barely resembled Jonah Hill. We are awesome. So, we had these awesome seats, but after getting up for a smoke, we saw some nice seats open on the couches. The guru opted for these seats. Very comfortable. I get tired thinking about hitting on guys. Just thinking about it! Imagine if it actually happened.

I was wondering why she wanted to sit on the couches, because we weren't really in view of the guys we wanted to hit on. She told me that she didn't want to be obvious, but I'm like fuck it. Who cares? It's a Wednesday night and we are at a bar. So, we picked some new seats in better view of the guys. She then revealed to me that she can only hit on guys when there is a big crowd of people, and this bar was none too crowded. I'm the opposite. I feel like I have a better chance when there aren't as many people around. Less chance of the busty blonde coming and messing everything up! I mean really. Can you just give me a break, busty blonde!?

That was when I devised my master plan. The boys were playing bocce ball, which was en route to the bathroom... My plan was to go to the bathroom, then on the way back "fall" into one of the guys. It was genius! Brilliant! The most amazing plan ever! Except, when I got back up from the bathroom, the guys were in a different location and it just threw me off completely.

So, I sat down and continued to drink, and we never talked to The Apatow Crew or any guys for that matter.

The End.

Pee Your Pants to my Heart

2009-09-18T10:20:00.001-04:00

Yesterday on the subway, I sat next to a man who had most definitely peed himself. He may have been asleep, but I think he was hitting on me! Those pheromones! Swoon.

Also, today on the subway, a woman was reading the book, Booty Call. I wonder what that's about! Sounds sassy.

Wedding to Get in Your Pants

2009-08-28T09:03:00.004-04:00

Friends of the blogosphere! I come here to lay my latest knowledge on you! It's a rainy rainy day in NYC right now. I'm all snuggled up in a large hooded sweatshirt looking like quite the criminal. Criminally adorable! As you all know, I'm super lazy and never get around to posting on this site, but I have a good story to tell, so here goes it!

Weddings are great. They are usually a lot of fun and who doesn't like seeing their friends having the times of their lives uniting as a couple! Well, probably a lot of bitter (read: ugly) people, who think they will never find love or a decent relationship. Well, that ain't so, lady eating from the 16 oz ice cream carton (read: me). As the saying goes, there is someone out there for everyone! That particular someone for me is my cat. Sigh.

My friends got married a couple of weeks ago. They are really good friends from college and I was over the top excited for this wedding. Though, I was a little hesitant, because a) I'm single and b) my ex-boyfriend was going to be there with his current girlfriend. There isn't any bad blood between me and my ex, but those situations always tend to be a little awkward no matter how cool you play it (read: I'm extremely awkward). I had to make sure I had the perfect dress, but nothing that would make it seem that I was trying too hard. After shopping in 20 stores in 4 different states, I finally found the dress! My sister sighed a sigh of relief and told me she wasn't going to talk to me for at least 2 weeks. I can be really demanding when I want something!

The wedding was just amazing. The bride glowing, the groom grinning - it was a sight to be seen. Right when I get there, I see the ex. It's good to see him, actually! And I like his girlfriend, which is weird and awesome at the same time. I sit with one of my friends and he says to me, "Oh god, I'm so glad you are here!" which is always nice to hear. I have to keep my people happy, yo! In the row in front of us sat five dudes. I thought to myself, "things might be looking up! There might be some cute single dudes here. NICE!" Then I immediately thought, "Keep it cool, keep it cool. Don't be awkward. Oh god, I'm going to be really awkward. Fuck." I notice one guy in particular checking me out. Score!

Flash forward to the wedding dinner. They sat me at the same table as my ex. Awesome. In all honesty though, it was nice to talk to him and just have fun. I also sat next to this really fun chick that I went to college with, so it was all good. Oh, what's that!? That guy is looking at me from his table. Not so sneaky! I seeee you! I didn't end up talking to this guy until the LAST SONG. He would occasionally glance my way, but that was it! I was thinking, "Ok, maybe is just wondering who I am and what I'm doing here. NO! NO! I look fucking CUTE. He's definitely checking me out."

So, he finally asks me to dance. Mind you, this is the last song and the only other people dancing are the people in the wedding party. I feel immediately awkward, of course, but he turns out to be a really cool guy. He is friends with everyone from Philly. We ended up hanging out at the after party at the bar, then the after after party in my hotel room. HEY-O! Hold your horses, there were other people there too and we were trying to decide what pizza place to order from. Flash forward an hour when we discover that all the pizza places are closed.

During this time, I find out that the guy doesn't have a room to stay in for the night; he was just planning to crash with someone. Who comes to a wedding without a place to stay? Really? So, No Room, here and I are definitely hitting it off, despite the fact that he came to a wedding without a place to stay. By the time everyone is leaving, I say, "Well, you can just crash here. On the floor. If you want." So awkward. But it worked. He ended up staying in my room (I swear I'm not a hussy!), and we ended up just making out for awhile then passing out. Seriously, just making out. I'm a lady.

Morning rolls around, we make out a little more. And then, I realize it's bordering on 10am and there was supposed to be a brunch that I really want to go to. How do I get him to leave my room? I was practically twiddling my thumbs as we were making out, because I was just waiting for him to smoothly make an exit. I wanted to get up and shower and eat. I'm so finicky sometimes! But he just stayed right there in my bed. Trying to seduce me. Rough life I lead. Finally, I was like, OK I'm kicking you out. I need to get up. It's now around 10:30ish.

I see him down at the brunch, play it cool (read: try to completely ignore him because I feel slightly awkward). I actually don't do so bad. We talk a little then say our goodbyes. All-in-all I had fun hanging out with him, but it was a bit of an insane situation. He didn't have a room? What?

Flash forward, two weeks later, I got a facebook message from him (yes, he friended me) that was prefaced with, "you may find this to be a little weird." Um, ok? Good start, buddy. You got me on the edge of my seat just wanting to know how weird I am going to feel. He ended up asking me if I wanted to go to a wedding with him over Labor Day weekend. Exsqueeze me? Forward much? How about, how are you? Wanna go out on a date sometime? Maybe I should have called you to ask you this question, since it's kind of a big deal? Maybe we should get to know each other a little better, before we are forced to stay in a hotel room together for a weekend with all of our mutual friends? AWWwwwkkkwaaard. I had to let him down easy, mostly because I have plans for the holiday weekend, but I still wouldn't have gone. That's just not my style! I'm a lady!

SIIIIiiighh. Good times all around, but there were definitely some interesting moments. Turns out, I'm not the most awkward person in the world! Isn't that a mindfuck?

Chill the F@&% Out

2008-12-14T11:35:00.003-05:00

Ah, lazy Sundays. Right now, I'm sitting on my couch half watching the new season of Top Chef (but let's be honest, nothing compares to the first season!) with a little kitty snuggled up right next to me. No, I'm not 45 years old. I'm actually 27, but I do occasionally wear a moo-moo. What? They're comfortable!! Jeez.

Last night, I had several parties to attend, because I'm like the most popular girl (a la Teen Witch). My friend was having a milestone birthday (yeah, girl! you are flirty at thirty! and looking damn fine, I might add), and my cousin brought me to a holiday party before the big birthday bash. It was a night to remember! Too bad, I was so tired and hung over from the night before that I didn't last much longer past midnight. Did I mention that I'm not 45 years old?

Before I went out, I was napping on my couch while watching Goonies and Goonies never say die! They say pass away, it's just more formal and less harsh sounding. My friend LP gives me a holler a little while before I was about to go out. See, she had two dates planned for this weekend: one for Saturday night and one for Sunday night. Wooo-eee! I'm not gonna lie, I was a little jealous! But at the same time, so excited for her. I'm thinking that she is calling me about pre-date worries, all the stuff. But no, she calls because she thinks she being stood up. So lame!

These are the facts (sorry, I love Pushing Daisies! Something about a man being able to bring things back to life! Ooh, I'm sure he could revive my loins! Oh, wow. Over the line!): LP met this dude out at a club last Saturday night. We had a girl dance party and it ... was... awesome! I love shaking it on the dance floor! Mostly, I'm just trying to make sure that I don't fall over or spill my drink. Anyway, so he got her number and started texting her the very next day! Oohh! Nice, he's interested! He asked her out and they had plans for Saturday night. But, she never heard from him past Wednesday. And still has not heard from him! I mean, what? As she's telling me this story, I'm shaking my head with my "of course, that's so typical" look on my face.

A few weeks ago, I met this guy at an improv show. He was super cute and super into me. Woot! I went back to his place that night and had a lot of fun. I'll spare you the non-details. So, this guy was texting me during that day - the day I left his apartment - and the next day asked me out, via text message. I told him, "sure!" because I have no life, noooo, because he was super nice and cool. I'm not that desperate! Am I? I might be. Anyway. So, I never heard from him, but I did run into him again, and repeat the whole paragraph. Went home with him, da da da, texting, then nothing.

First of all, what is it with texting? I understand that it's easier to ask someone out that way, because you don't have to risk immediate rejection, but grow a pair! Give a girl a call! It's really not that hard. Suck it up if you get rejected! How else will you get accepted? Yeah, words of wisdom right there. I should copyright that shit.

Second of all, why ask someone out when you were just feigning interest in the person! I don't have time for that shit. Listen, fellas, not every girl you meet wants to marry you or even have a serious relationship with you! We have needs too. You all need to chill the fuck out. Guys are so scared that women are going to get super attached and that every woman has wedding bells in her ears constantly. Get over yourselves! I don't know if I even want to get married. So, like I said, chill the fuck out. Relax, go out with a person, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Women in New York are used to the dating scene; we are used to getting rejected and rejecting people. That's how dating works. It's not anything new. It's the same basic concept as dating in high school or college, except this time, you aren't worried about if Johnny is going to dump you in front of the whole school or via a note or if you break up and you still live on the same floor in the dorm.

I actually talked to few of my guy friends about this very topic of guys thinking that girls will get super attached. I told them to "chill the fuck out and get over yourselves." There's obviously a theme here.

So guys, if you want to go out with a girl, ask her out, then TAKE her out. Don't pretend that you want to date someone, when all you are really looking for is "does she want to date me?" I know that game. You just want some validation, then to move on. Puff up your ego a little bit, because some girl you met for a few hours wants to go out with you again. Why is that such a weird concept? It's not like we know each other well enough to get seriously offended.

Also, CALL. Texting is cute, but if you actually want to take someone out, you will call them and make plans right then and there. It's not brain surgery. Lastly, don't waste my time! I have a very busy television watching schedule, and when I set up my dvr, I expect to not be home to watch those shows. That makes no sense.

Ladies, take it all with a grain of salt! It's easier to laugh this stuff off, because when it comes down to it, women are more chilled out about dating than guys are. For sure. Like, guys are crazy scared.

Everyone else (who's not a guy or a lady), chill the fuck out.

Jealousy Does Not Become You

2008-11-30T18:00:00.004-05:00

I'm about to get serious on your asses! You betta believe! I'm hung over on a rainy Sunday evening, so there is some great television to watch right now. Including all three Lord of the Rings movies. Score! It's an addiction, I have to watch them when they are on TV. I have no idea why. Alas, you don't want to hear about my awesome TV choices! So, I'll dive right in...

All I know about jealousy, I learned from watching True Life: I'm Jealous , which chronicles three young couples (all around or under 18 years of age, so you know, the most mature relationships ever) who suffer because of their jealousy of each other. Either both people in the relationship have cheated or just one has so that's where the jealousy stems from. It's just insane to me for several reasons: a) I can't ever imagine staying with someone who has cheated on me, but I can't say for sure, because I've never been there and b) wake up kids! you are 18 years old! Dump the jealous asshole giving you a hard time (that goes for you too fellas!) Jealousy is not an emotion I completely understand. To me, it's irrational and just brings out the ugliest in most people.

Some people! I mean really. Why can't everyone be perfect like me? So, this whole episode got me thinking about jealousy. About three years ago, I was dating this guy, hm, we'll call him Jake (like Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles!) for anonymity purposes, not like he'll ever read this. I haven't talked to him for three years with good reason. He was a sweet guy, but a bit of a stoner. I always go for the stoner musician. He was both. Typical Anne! Why do I like the slacker crooners? There is no good reason, except maybe they'll write a song about me and wouldn't that just be... like amazing!!!! Ok, sorry.

So, Jake was a good boyfriend for awhile. He would take me out to dinner. (Oh and as a side bar, we were roommates. That's how we met. It was so awkward for our other roommate - my current roommate. I always felt so guilty about that. Bad idea!) We got along really well and acted like kids and just made out all the time. It was excellent. And so high school. He just had this really jealous streak in him with no real reason to back it up. I have never cheated on a boyfriend and I never gave him the impression that I would. I was completely infatuated with him - I mean he was, like, a total babe! Too many 80s and 90s references... He was jealous of my friendship with my bff and thought I was hooking up with her. Uh, what? Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean that she makes out with all the girls that she knows. And he was also self-concious because I had dated more guys that he had (but with girls). It was ridiculous.

Around Halloween-time, I was trying to come up with good costume ideas that would go with my glasses. I forgot to get contacts in time. Sad. So I came up with the genious idea to be Jan Brady for Halloween! I know, awesome, right? I went to Target after work with one of my good pals to pick up a doll, you know, for my George Glass (as many of you should know, Jan made up a boyfriend and called him GG. She's my hero), and I ended up buying a Ken doll. Perfect! I meet up with Jake back at our place and I'm super excited to tell him about the costume, because I think it's so funny and I am never good at coming up with costume ideas.

Once I told him what I was being and the whole George Glass shpeal, he says "What? A fake boyfriend? I'm your boyfriend. What am I supposed to do that night? You are going to be telling people you have a fake boyfriend. Do you know how that is going to make me feel?" Um, exca-uuuuuuse me? Really? Really??? I honestly did not know what to say to him. It was the stupidest thing I had ever heard, literally, the dumbest. What an idiot! We got into the biggest fight that night because of a fucking Ken doll. Redonk.

He ended up apologizing profusely only after we had a screaming match and I kept telling him to leave me alone and he kept on bothering me. That's so fun when people do that! Keep talking to you when you tell them to leave you the hell alone. It really makes you want to forgive them right then and there. Riiiiiight. So, he ended up punching a hole in the wall near where he punched the wall before because he was mad at me for not cheating on him and being a good girlfriend and cooking for him. Nice one, buddy. We broke up that night, obviously.

When I think of this story now, I just have to laugh. I don't know if it was immaturity on his behalf or if he had been hurt some way by a girl before. I just don't know. It was so crazy to me. He was so crazy to me. Woo! It was quite an adventure! That relationship. I really never knew what was going to happen. Jealousy, I will never understand you! You ugly bitch! People just become monsters when they are jealous of their partner.

Ok, I can't say that I'm perfect and have never been jealous, but I've never been so jealous that it hurts another person's feelings. You have to know your limits, people. Give a lady (or fella) her (or his) space, for crying out loud. Nobody's perfect (except for me, most of the time). I just did it again! I said I wouldn't say I was perfect. It's just so hard. I'm almost perfect.

Sigh. Rainy Sundays make me so introspective! I'm exhausted from lying on the couch! I'm going to do more of that now.

Passive Aggressive Dating

2008-04-17T19:31:00.002-04:00

Spring has finally sprung! It's a gorgeous 70 degree evening in New York City tonight. The sun is shining and the air is warm. You ask, why are inside on such a lovely day? To which I respond, screw you, mind your own business. NO! I say, this is the first evening that I could go home right after work - and work is cra-zay at the moment - and I'm trying to write whenever I can. Even on warm sunny days. It's all for you!

My bff recently sent me a new handy dandy dating-type website thingy called "Subway Crush". It is very similar to the "Missed Connections" section of Craigslist, except it is set up by subway, giving the subway line in the appropriate colored bubble () and the headline matches the color. People write in stuff like "Cutie in floppy hat. Our hands touched." BARF. The site hasn't been populated as much as Missed Connections, and it's not nearly as raunchy. (Seriously, if you have never perused the Missed Connections, you are missing out! People write the craziest stuff. Do it next time you are bored). Oh, but I did just see the headline on Subway Crush, "Tall Drink of Water - Huge Package." Nice! That's what I like to see.

Let's face it, we spend a lot of time on the subway just as a by-product of living in NYC. I know that I see plenty of cuties every time I am on the subway, but how do you actually go about talking to someone? You write them a message after the fact, instead of just putting yourself out there and risking perhaps a little rejection. The internet! Allowing people to maintain social awkwardness since 1996 - that's the year my parents got AOL on our home computer. Yeah dial-up! I'll also admit that it can be supremely awkward to just start talking to someone on the subway, especially in rush hour prior to a morning cup of joe with about 50+ other passengers on the same train.

Even with my faithful Crazy Blind Date site, a few of the guys who I have gone out with have been very passive aggressive when asking me for a second date. Following the date, you can just have the site send your information to the person, so they can contact you. No reason to get someone's number that night, unless you really want to go out with them. Two guys got my number immediately following the date, and the one guy asked me out again that night. Total turn off, mostly because he asked me out via text message to which I turned him down via text message. But that's old news!

The last guy I went out with (who had a goatee, and you all know how I feel about goatees!) didn't even mention going out again, then that night, he sent me his information asking me if I wanted to hang out another time. It caught me off guard, because I just didn't think he was interested or that he picked up the fact that I was totally not interested.

If any of you faithful readers out there will remember the original goateed man, you should know that he got my number as we were saying our goodbyes. I genuinely wanted to go out with him again, because he was smart, funny, and seemed pretty cool. Maybe the physical attraction wasn't there, but hey you never know! I've got a keep an open mind with this whole dating thing. Like I've said before, positivity! Well, the goateed man sent me his info the next day and wrote me a really nice message, so I wrote him back and it all seemed fine. Until I got an email from him a few days later, which read:

"You had mentioned that you would be interested in meeting up again. If this is still the case, let me know when you might be free. I'm around tonight and tomorrow and maybe Saturday evening if you are interested in doing something again."

Uh, are you asking me out? Because that is the LAMEST way anyone has ever asked me out! Our previous emails were super casual, but this one sounded like he was writing to a business associate. Also, he was giving me a time table to respond (the email was written on a Wednesday afternoon). Um, ok! I'm a busy lady. I may not be able to make plans with you on a whim (even though that is the entire point of CBD, shhh). I felt like I was being scolded or something; like I should have been the one to write him about going out another time after exchanging a total of two emails. I'm sorry, but that is not the way to a girl's heart, especially mine! Take some initiative dude! I would have probably gone out with him, if he didn't send me the most passive aggressively lame email known to wo-man.

Ah, this is the city that we live in. People can easily hide behind the guise of their online selves instead of taking chances and talking to other human beings (one world, y'all). Though, I will say, it is taking a big risk to go out on a date with someone who you have no prior knowledge about. You wouldn't think that the people using such a service would be so lame! And afraid of confrontation, as I write from the comfort of my living room, typing as my online self, watching my roommate's cat chase her tail. Listen, people, I never said I was perfect!

Hopefully with the warmer weather moving in, the city will get a little happier and we will all remember that just because we are New Yorkers, doesn't mean we are too cool for school. Because that statement right there was a testament to how lame I am.

Maybe I was too harsh on the goateed man.

Naw.

PS. I learned how to set up links in my blog, which I'm sure you noticed. I totally went on overkill tonight.

Dinosaur Baseball

2008-04-13T21:39:00.002-04:00

Good evening readers! It's a lovely Sunday night in Brooklyn as I'm prepping to watch the Rock of Love II season finale. Ah, life is good. I'm dvring it, so I can watch it commercial free, in case you were wondering about my television viewing habits. And I know you are!

This weekend was probably one that will go down in the history books. Well, it will be pretty memorable for me until the next awesome weekend that comes along. I randomly decided that I was going to go to Philly for the night earlier in the week. I had a birthday party Friday night, and you all know how I feel about parties. Love them! I didn't meet any cuties, but I did have a grand old time laying on the soft shoe for most of the night. Whatever that means! New York can get a little intense sometimes, so a night away was perfecto. My cousin and I took a long ass train down there to meet up with our other cousin. I only ever hang out with family members. It's just the way of the Goonies. And Goonies never say die!

Whenever I hang out with my family (which is always as you now know), we end up inventing about 25-30 new catch phrases within 5 minutes of being around each other. It's amazing, but anyone not involved in the creation of the phrases may feel a little put out and probably pretty freaked out. Our standard recipe of fun is: catch phrase, rinse, repeat. Basically, the whole time spent in Philly was repeating all of the funny things we came up with in the course of hanging out for a good couple of hours. At one point, I said, "I like things." Truest statement everrrrr.

So, as you can probably tell, this post will not really cover anything about dating or New York for that matter. Sometimes I have to deviate! I did go on a date in the middle of the week that I will tell you all about later.

My cousins are crazy in the best way possible. When my cousin, Chris, was a kid, he was so obsessed with dinosaurs that he made his teacher call him Reptile instead of Chris. Awesome. My cousin, Ali, drank 8 beers on Thursday night just for the hell of it. Hardcore. So, while at Chris' apartment in Philly, while we were drinking Sparks Plus (sparks plus), we invented the best game known to man. Dinosaur Baseball.

For some reason, Chris had a bag full of little plastic dinosaurs. At one point, he was standing in his living room holding a whiffle bat and the idea was born. I said, "Where is that bag of dinosaurs you were telling me about?" The next 30 minutes were spent by one person lobbing a little plastic dinosaur at another person who is up to bat. Let me tell you, I am amazing at Dinosaur Baseball. I hit almost everyone of those little dinosaurs thrown my way. The next morning, we woke up and there were teeny tiny dinosaurs spread through out the apartment. I stepped on a few of them stumbling out of bed in the morning.

Ahhhhh, the rest of the night, we just drank more and played some Wii. We were trying to rally to go out to a bar, but that just never happens when I go to Philly. We always end up having so much fun just hanging out that we rarely make it out.

Good times, good times. Ok, I'm going to finish watching Rock of Sluts Deuce. A-mazing show.

California Dreaming

2008-04-02T22:27:00.003-04:00

Whenever the weather starts to change over from winter to spring, I start to get majorly anxious about the impending warm weather. So much so, that I think I can trick Mother Nature by wearing what I think are season appropriate clothes, even if they aren't really weather appropriate. Take that Mother Nature! You must be so bitter, making it so cold for us on the East Coast right now. Warm up already, you frigid bitch! Kidding! I love you. Now make it warm.

Sometimes it's difficult being an East Coaster, especially being a female East Coaster. My friend sent me an article today with a map of the US that identified how many more singles there are in each metro, by gender. Women equal red dots on the map (um, thanks for reminding me of my period, dude who created this map), and men equal blue dots. I live on the wrong coast. For reals. According to this map, there are 210,820 more single women than single men living in the NYC-Northern NJ area. AH! I know there are over 8 million people living in this city, but that’s just depressing! Incidentally, my friend entitled her email, “Why It’s Not My Fault That My Love Life Stinks.” With odds like that, no wonder!

As I’m studying the map more, still in shock from the huge red dot looming over NYC, I glance to California. The state contains one tiny red dot, which appears to be the location of Sacramento (at least I think it is). San Francisco has a huge blue dot, LA has a huge blue dot and two additional blue dots surrounding it. In LA, there are 89,459 more single men than women living there. Obviously, I’m not only in the wrong city, I’m in the wrong state! And in the wrong portion of the country, for that matter. The East Coast is heavily populated with red dots compared with the mass amounts of blue dots overtaking the West Coast.

In the article that accompanies this oh-so-informative map, the guy who wrote it, Richard Florida (nice name, buddy), is basically saying that people move to different regions for two reasons: job opportunities and to find a mate. Duh. Why else would I move anywhere? The typical person makes most decisions in one’s life based on these criteria (with a few exceptions, I might add!). People genuinely want to be happy – or at least I hope we all do! (Cheer up, Charlie!) – and moderately successful. The article never really mentions why there is a higher population of women on the East and men on the West, but it does mention that men are more willing to travel away from their families for work than women are. I’m not so sure about that one! I know plenty of mama’s boys on this coast, particularly in NJ (I’m not dissing you Jersey, just making a statement. I know you get rough treatment, baby).

I’m not even sure how this map makes me feel, to be honest. I looked at it and said to myself, self, you already knew this. It just makes me wonder why there are so many single women in NYC. It is the greatest city in the world! And it’s also one of those places that will always have opportunities opening up, something that women have not been privy to for as long as men have. Yeah, women in the workplace! We wear heals and we don’t care who we step on! Oh, wait, sorry, did that hurt? Let me get a bandage.

The guru often goes out to LA for work, and I’ve been incessantly asking her if she will take me out there sometime (I’ve only ever been once when I was just an innocent child). This map just gave me more reason to want to go out there.

So, here is a run down of the cities that are constantly having sausage parties: Minneapolis-St. Paul, Denver-Aurora, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland Dallas-Ft. Worth, and Honolulu. I expect you all to be planning a road trip at this moment.

Head of the Class

2008-03-30T14:38:00.003-04:00

eFriends! Howdy! I had a friend in college who we all called Tex and he always said, Howdy, whenever he saw you. I always thought it was adorable. Anyway, I survived last night with limited coughing involved. Woo. I definitely said some weird things when I was out to dinner with my sister, brother-in-law and cousin. I warned them that the lack of human contact was having an effect on me. My sister said, "What are you talking about? You always say weird things." Ok, she has a point.

Sometimes I mention the fact that I do improv on this blog, which is true, but let's be honest, I take classes. I am on hiatus at the moment (lack of funds!), but I'm practicing in a group with some pretty awesome people just to keep up the skeeellllzz. I started taking classes a little over a year ago at the suggestion of my sister. I think she saw it as a way of channeling my "quirkiness." I was dating a guy at the time I started doing improv last year, who was less than impressed about my endeavor. He turned out to be a douche, obviously. Anyone who doesn't think someone who does something totally random just for the hell of it is pretty cool, is a douche. You can quote me on that. I give you permission.

Naturally, when you take a class or join some type of group (like AA or something, not to be insensitive!), you will meet new people. Fact of life. So, I was thinking that I would probably be meeting some cute, funny dudes in the process of comedy-izing myself. What? I don't know. Things were rocky with me and douche anyway, so I was a lookin'. My coworkers always ask me about my class and social life in general. I'm so popular. So, I told them that I thought it would also be a good opportunity to meet someone. My boss immediately said, "All women think that! Women take classes to learn a skill and possibly meet a guy. Guys take classes to learn a skill. Period." Truer words and so on.

In the UCB handbook of class taking, if you miss a class, you have to make it up in another group. We always had different people in our class from week to week making up for their absences. I would try not to crush on anyone in my class until it was over just to avoid awkwardness, but that rule does not apply to visitors! Oh no no no! They are fair game. Sweet! One week in particular, a super cute, funny boy audited into the class for the day (this is long after douche and I broke up and I had already taken a few levels). Suuuuper cute. I'm a school girl at heart. Can't help it. We usually go out for drinks at the end of each class, so naturally I asked cute boy if he wanted to go out for a drink with us. Naturally, he said yes. Can't resist the smile! Oh yeah.

Long story short, we ended up going to show at the UCB Theatre after drinks and he asked me for my number. Score! And he texted me the next night just to say hi. Double score! I was like, awesome, this kid likes me! And he's so cute! And funny! So, that Friday, I grew a pair and asked him if he wanted to hang out, so he invited me to this Human Giant thing going on at the MTV studios. I was like, um ok. I was thinking more of a drink and some spit swapping, but comedy in Times Square, sure. We ended up agreeing to meet outside the studios. I got there a little late, so I was freaking out a bit. Times Square on a Friday night (or any night of the week, for that matter) sucks. Monkey balls. Big ones. I live in Brooklyn for a reason.

So here I am, in the middle of Times Square, waiting. He hasn't answered my call or text. I'm in the middle of Times fucking Square. I randomly ran into his friend who I met the other night, who is a pretty cool chick, but a total improv geek. We stand around and bullshit some and she keeps trying to make jokes. She asks where the dude is and I have no clue. He isn't returning her calls either, and I'm starting to get a really bad feeling. So making friendly conversation I ask her who else is coming along. She says, "Oh it's just him and his girlfriend who is like so gorgeous you want to hate her." Uh, what? I don't even know how to react at all. "Oh, cool." I start laughing hysterically, on the inside. Of course! Of course. This stuff only happens to me. I swear! This is just too much right now.

Eventually, I told her I was going to meet up with some friends in Brooklyn. I didn't exactly have plans, but my friend, Double D, said that she would be around. I immediately call her to tell her the situation, and she tells me to meet her at the bar. I ended up getting shitty wasted until 4am with her and a few other friends who showed up. It was a pretty sweet night once I got back to Brooklyn, I have to say! But honestly, what the F! What was he thinking? He was clearly giving me signals of being single and wanting to hang out. Guys with girlfriends don't get other girls' numbers then contact them immediately with cute text messages. The guy is a complete dog.

People amaze me on a daily basis! Really they do! Sometimes in a good way and sometimes by leaving me stranded in Times Square on a Friday night with a girl I barely know only to make awkward conversation for 20 minutes. Oh, and I almost forgot. He texted, texted, me that Tuesday to apologize. Tuesday. He also apologized for not apologizing sooner. I told him it was a really shitty thing to do and he can suck it. I didn't write the last part, but when I was texting him, I rolled my eyes like no other. Take that, sucka! Feel the burn.

I almost had a run in with him recently (the whole Times Square thing happened about 8 months ago). He was sitting at a table with my friend who I was talking to, but I didn't notice him until I was almost done with my conversation (I was drunk, shh), and I only noticed him out of the corner of my eye. My friend who I was with passed by and said we were going, so I just left. Phew! Close call! I don't think I could have even been slightly nice to him. Not that I'm bitter, I just think he's a shitty person.

Ah, good times. Yes. Ok, I had one too many Guinness last night and now I need some bacon fat and cheese. Sexy. Stay beautiful. I will. Especially once I get some bacon fat.

She's a Strange One

2008-03-29T10:22:00.002-04:00

The sickness is passing! Today is the first day in a week that I woke up feeling more like a normal human being rather than a mucus monster from outer space! muahaha. My head is much clearer and sentences are being formed much easier. And lo and behold, the backspace key is working and my filter is back up! Except for that outer space part, I apologize.

As my loyal readers (whose readership, I'm sure is dwindling, since I have left you out in the cold for so long) know, I am not normal by any means. Sure, I may seem like a normal, nice, sweet girl on the outside, but once you start to get to know me and I start to feel really comfortable with you (which, by the way, doesn't take very long), you start to see my very strange side. I attribute much of this to my lack of friends as a small child. My mom told me that she would find me in the basement numerous times just playing by myself with My Little Ponies or Barbie (suuuper girly). I think I developed an overly active and exaggerated imagination during these years, which plays out on a daily basis in my life. It works well for me when I'm doing improv, but so much when I'm trying to have a normal conversation with a person whom I've just met.

Most of my friends and family are quite used to my overactive imagination and find it to be endearing (or at least I hope they do!), but they still roll their eyes at me when I go off the map and make absolutely no sense at all. A lot of the time, I am simply trying to be funny but to no avail. My sister is usually a good reality check when I start telling the story of the lonely gas attendant and his philosophies on why he loves to pump gas, and New Jersey is the only place that lets him do it as an occupation. Sometimes I do this on road trips, but no necessarily about the gas attendant and his 15 children he needs to feed! Come on people, it's heartwarming!

Another example of my weirdness: my roommate and I have an ongoing game in our apartment that involves a small magazine cutout of Justin Timberlake's head. It's called, "Find Justin." Basically, as you can imagine, one person tapes Justin's head cleverly somewhere in the apartment and the other person has to find it, then puts it in another discreet location. It's probably the most amazing game, and I didn't come up with it! I give full credit to my roommate with whom I share a wacky sense of humor. I don't think anyone else in the world would have been as excited about this game immediately when she mentioned it besides me. There is no final objective. We don't do it on a daily basis. It's just amusing to look around and see a teeny tiny Justin head taped on your painting, really amusing.

So, I was recently watching a preview to this movie, "My Sassy Girl," in which Elisha Cuthbert is a wacky girl and Jesse Bradford falls in love with her. The beginning of the trailer says, "She's beautiful. She's talented. She's crazy." Why are quirky women always crazy!? She believes in aliens, so what? I believe in cashmere (that was for my roommate, don't even try to decipher). Ok, so she really is kinda crazy from what the trailer tells me, and trailers don't lie, people! They may just include the "best" parts of the movie and some trailers may even be better than the movies...regardless.

The movie trailer got me to thinking. I may be a little crazy, quirky and down-right strange sometimes, but I'm not that strange. I do have a job, and a good one at that! I do have friends who like me, so I'm not a complete werido. If Jesse Bradford can fall in love with someone who slaps him in the face for no reason, I should be able to find a guy who can tolerate my inane stories about gas attendants and strategic placement of Justin Timberlake's head in my apartment. I mean really.

So, since the sickness is passing, I'm going out for my cousin's birthday party tonight. Whenever I don't interact with people for a couple of days, I get extremely wacky, so I am expecting some major eye rolls and/or laughs tonight from the crazy shit that is bound to come out of my mouth. Not shit literally, but words, you know? Of course you know. And here it starts.

On My Sick Bed

2008-03-27T19:06:00.003-04:00

Thankfully, I'm not dying, but it sure feels like it. I've been home sick from work for the past day and a half. At this point, I have coughed so much and so often that my back and stomach are killing me. On the plus side, my abs are so defined right now! So, my diet recommendation is to get deathly ill, so you are practically coughing up your lung for about two days, then you will have killer abs. Forget the possibility of contracting bronchitis or pneumonia. Copyright! Now, I shall make my millions.

Obviously, I haven't been dating for the past week, because of my sexy cough. And prior to that I was in Cambridge for work, then London for gay clubbing. Unfortunately, the boys in Cambridge are all about 18 or 19 years old or completely ancient, just slightly young/old for my taste and age for that matter. And the boys I was chilling with in London are friends of mine from my partying days in the U.K., and they are all gay. Lovely, but gay. I did try to set up a few crazy blind dates (which by the way is getting some buzz these days), but bailed on them due to my impending cold and lack of adjustment to the time difference. So, basically haven't been "in the mood."

Honestly, it takes a lot of energy to sit through two hours of awkward conversation, which most of my dates have been like, and I haven't had that energy lately. I'm hoping that when the weather starts warming up, so will my loins. EW! Sorry, but I just can't backspace today. There's a malfunction.

My guru and I already have a dream vacation booked for this summer, which I am so looking forward to. We have booked a week in the beautiful Turks and Caicos at none other than Club fucking Med. AHHHH yeah. And to top it off, it's a singles resort. Either I'm super awesome, or super pathetic. Personally, I think I'm awesome. I am so wishing that it was vacation time right now, but I have to be patient until the ultimate party.

The story goes... A few months ago, I emailed the guru, "I am going on a vacation this summer. I need a vacation this summer. Where should I go? Do you want come?" Simple and sweet. She wrote back, "YES! Club Med?" And the idea was born. The brilliant idea was born. Her parents have gone to this resort many times and love it, which I think is pretty funny. It's a singles resort. This actually makes me really excited to meet her parents too. They know how to throw down yo!

I expect many stories to come from this vacation, which excites me more than you know! My colleagues made a comment to me when we were in Cambridge. They said, "Wow, you really like telling stories." It's pretty much all I do. And honestly, that's what makes me happy! It's the spice of life. I love entertaining people and telling crazy stories, because crazy shit happens to me quite often. I know my readers like my stories!

As I wait for my lungs to drain of the nastiness they possess, all I can think of is warm weather, sun dresses, and cute boys. Ah, spring is so close! My skin is just waiting to turn from blue-ish white to light beige. And that's being optimistic!

Online Speed Dating = ?

2008-03-10T21:44:00.004-04:00

My roommate sent me a link to this online speed dating website, "www.speeddate.com," so I figured why not try it out! I'm in the mood for trying new things lately as is evident from this here blog. I hadn't had a chance to look at the website until tonight, when i decided to take a break from packing for my overseas adventure. Well, my trip for work, but still...

The basic concept of the site is you can peruse the eligible bachelors and possibly start an IM conversation with one, if he is also online. It functions as a normal dating sight, but gives you the option to actually "talk" to someone instead of sending an email that might just be ignored. I think I might like the email being ignored better than the onset of an IM from someone I may not really want to talk to.

I was checking my messages on the site, and let me tell you, there were a lot. They were all from dudes in their 40s living in the Midwest. Um, what? You are obviously wasting your time. I'm a city girl, boys! And, apologies, but 40 is too old for me at the moment. I'm still dealing with the fact that I'm going to be 30 in 3 whole years. Oh the horror! Thirty is actually not old at all, but it's fun to joke about it. Especially when my friends in their 30s read this blog. Hey oldies! I hope your walkers don't break.

So, anyway, I was perusing the single dudes online tonight for about 5-7 min (I've been saying that all day for some reason), and an IM pops up. I freak out and don't know what to do, so I log out immediately. What is wrong with me!? It's the internet. It's not like I'm actually out at a bar and have to talk to someone in person. He wrote, "Hey!" Nothing too complicated! Hello, Anne! A simple "hi" back probably would have been suitable.

I'm so not equipped to be dating. I'm a moron sometimes. I am really tired from the packing, which I should probably be getting back to. I'll see you all on the other side, and hopefully I'll grow a pair and be able to talk to a dude online.

Dropping the Ball, Dropping the Ball

2008-03-09T21:55:00.001-04:00

(The title of this post should be sung to "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest). Ok, so I seriously dropped the ball and haven’t kept my promise. I hope you can forgive me! I’ve been busy being lazy and watching marathons of Project Runway and Make Me a Supermodel. What would I do without Bravo!? I would probably be a LOT more productive. The writers strike incidentally provoked me to write.

Recently I have been bombarded by engagements. I have yet to receive a proposal, but the guy at the bodega has been eyeing me for months! Hey cutie! One of my best friends from college who is currently living in Philly called me a week or so ago to tell me that he proposed to his girlfriend of four years. It's about time buddy! As I was on the phone with him, I said, "You know I'm going to cry. I'm gonna cry." (I do have emotions. I’m not the vacant shell that you all think I am). And he knew I would. We have been friends long enough for him to know these things about me. He also told me that two of our other friends recently asked their girlfriends for their respective hands in marriage. Woah! What’s going on in Philly? Seriously. They are all in their late 20s and all engaged. And as you all know, I just entered my late 20s and am extremely single.

My best friend from childhood also got engaged. I found out from her facebook. I love social networking sites! I can spy on people who I have seen for years and years! My boss got engaged recently too. It was totally unexpected for me, because she rarely talks about her social life. She’s good at the separation of work and play. Me, I’m not so good at that. I’m constantly talking about the dates I go on and the guys I have crushes on. Most of my office has my blog link. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe just a thing.

Personally, I’m not sure if I ever want to get married. I know plenty of perfectly happy married couples, but I’m not 100% on all the “values” of marriage. But that’s besides the point. It’s just insane to me that amount of people who are getting engaged all around me! It’s all happening at once and freaking me out a bit.

My former coworker probably went to one wedding every weekend (if not two) over each summer that I worked with her. She would always say to me, “You just wait until all of your friends start getting married.” I guess I just never thought it would start happening or I never knew when it would. She had a closet full of bridesmaids’ dresses, which I am so not looking forward to. I mean, that is, if I am chosen to ever be a bridesmaid. Don’t want to get my hopes up for a great dress that I will probably feel uncomfortable wearing for the entire wedding! I mean, that I will love. Yes. Definitely. I always wondered why she never sold them; she told me that she saw them as trophies and found them to be hilarious. I agree.

Anyway, I am nowhere near to be prepared for marriage or anything close to it. I haven’t been on a date for about a month (been busy with … stuff… yeah I have lots of things to do). I was at a happy hour with some girlfriends the other night and I couldn’t even muster up the courage to go talk to a cute guy who was very obviously checking me out for the entire night. I was just having too much fun with my ladies, and my seat was pretty awesome so I didn’t feel like moving. And I didn’t feel like expending the effort at the moment. Being in a serious relationship takes a lot of effort to frequently be expended. At this moment in my life, I’m perfectly happy being me and being able to be me. It’s selfish, but I don’t care! I’m also justifying why I’m single, but I don’t care!

The thing that gets me most about the impending weddings is that most of the people getting married are exactly my age, and I can’t fathom feeling like that right now. It makes me feel jealous and relieved all at the same time. It also makes me realize that I’m taking my time with the dating for a reason. I’ve dated enough assholes and I’m not really in the mood to date one right now. I’d much rather go out on random dates and have no responsibility tagged on with them. If they turn out to be an asshole, then I only have to see them once. Done and done.

Ah, yes the peculiarities of life. How wonderful. It’s all well and good that I can say that I can’t imagine being in a serious relationship, when it could honestly happen at any moment. I say that I won’t be prepared, but when is anyone ever prepared for the things that just seem to happen in your life?

I’m still wondering why that cute boy at the happy hour never came up to talk to me. Seriously, he was staring me down. Every time I would look in his direction, our eyes would meet. Maybe I should have just compromised my seat for the possibility of having a good conversation over a beer. Maybe next time. (The seat was pretty awesome).

Happy Me Day

2008-02-27T14:48:00.002-05:00

Loyal readers, I have NOT forgotten about you. I've been away from the 'nets for so long, and I apologize for that. And no, I did not run off and get married or even score myself a boyfriend. I've just run out of material. NO. I haven't had the chance to write in so long! It's no excuse and I won't let you down again.

This posting is a promise posting. I will post a funny, awesome, tearful, joyful, menstrual (scratch that one) post for you all tomorrow!

For now, happy birthday to me.

Happy Hour Hijinx

2008-02-09T10:23:00.000-05:00

I really enjoy a good happy hour. Last night my friend had a happy hour at her apartment, which doesn’t really constitute a happy hour by definition completely for me. Needless-to-say, it was still a lot of fun! Cut to drunken ice skating a few hours later, but we will get to that eventually.

Happy hours are perfect for meeting people. My cousin and I are slightly obsessed with finding the bars with the best deals for our after work drinking binges. Why pay $3 when you can pay $2? Why only get a dollar off your drink, when you can buy one and get one for free? These are the questions that plague us as we are trying to find our next new watering hole.

So, my friend’s happy hour (albeit at her home) got me thinking about the happy hours that I’ve attended over the years. Then I immediately swore off all alcohol just thinking about it. Noooo. But what did come to mind was a really funny / bizarre story about a happy hour that I attended when I first moved to the city.

I was working in the financial district, so honestly there are not that many places to go for a good drink after work, and absolutely no good happy hour deals. Most of the places are filled with financial dudes, and while they may be excellent dating candidates, I just don’t find myself having a lot in common with them. I work in non-profit. I care about the world, man. My co-workers (all female, none single, but me) decided to go out for drinks after work one day. It was a weird office, so we didn’t do this often, but why not.

We ended up talking to these really old dudes (probably 40 or something, kidding they were like 60), and it was getting to that time of departure. Before we left, though, a really cute guy started talking to me and asking me how it was going with grandpa (he wasn’t that clever, so I added that – just wanted to let you know how brilliant I am). We talked for awhile and then exchanged numbers. Awesome! He even called me a few days later to ask me out, which I happily accepted.

It was great! I had been in the city for only a few months and already someone was asking me out. This was the start of great dating ahead! Or so I thought at the time.

This boy, we shall call him Glass Man for reasons which will be explained later, and I had our date at the bar where we met. Aww! So adorable! We were talking, eating, and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. He asked me about where I went to college (American) and he said that he was from DC. So much in common! He says to me, “Yeah, so I lived with a bunch of guys a few years ago on [some street that I can’t remember the name of right now]. It was interesting. They were all swimmers at American.” Heart skips beat. Clears throat. “Which guys?”

You see I was on the swim team at American (actually I was a diver on the team), so my head stated, well, swimming. Turns out, he lived with my best friends, including my ex-boyfriend. The reason why I didn’t know him was because he was living in the house with guys when I was off in Amsterdam studying abroad. Our paths never crossed until that happy hour. I politely excused myself from the bar and went to the bathroom to have a minor freak out, and then I returned.

My ex-boyfriend had told me some crazy stories about this kid and how much the guys in the house disliked him. One story in particular was that Glass Man got so drunk one night, didn’t have his keys, so he broke a window to get into the house. My ex came home shortly after to find him bloody and in need of a hospital. The kid was a nut.

We exchanged the, “Oh wow that’s so weird!” And, “Oh, you’re Anne!” (My ex and I had unfortunately broken up while I was away in Amsterdam.) We decided to call it a night. He said he would call me, but I knew he wouldn’t. And I knew that I would not want to go out with him again. I took a cab home that night and was in shock the entire ride home. Is this what New York is going to be like? Well, kinda. I run into people all the time, but that was the weirdest run-in ever.

Ah, good times. Small world and all those sayings. Speaking of which and back to drunken ice skating… We all hopped on a trolley to the rink after the happy hour. We were some drunk monkeys. I didn’t know anyone besides my friend and her husband, so I ended up skating with some new people I just met and then eventually by myself (I only fell once). So, I’m skating around the rink and who do I see? One of my best girlfriends! It was awesome. I kept telling her how happy I was to see her and asking her if she read my blog. I was probably really annoying, but who cares!? We skated the night away! Until we got too tired. And drunk.

Playing It Obvious

2008-02-04T19:11:00.000-05:00

I do realize that there are certain games and rules that need to be heeded in this crazy dating jungle. "Let him call you." "Let him make the first move." Blah blah blah. These rules have always evaded me for some reason. It's like a mini rebellion that burns inside me, a desire to not follow the rules and have everything magically work out. That 15 year old girl still exists, yearning to break free and take over the cruel, cruel world that exist only to spite me. "Damn you world!"

Well, I'm not as dark and mysterious as I used to me (because, come on, I was pretty hard core, purposely not studying until the last minute. Take that 10th grade). I still do find it hard to follow "rules" when dating, because I just don't think it should be that hard. Even though I have previously said that I am usually right (that was a lie), I can sometimes be wrong. Sometimes. On the rare occasion.

I was out for some drinks last night with a few girlfriends, while the Superbowl was being dvred, so we could later watch the commercials - they were pretty bad this year. Anyway, so we were talking about dating, because that's what girls do, and my one friend said she was watching Oprah recently when some kind of matchmaker was on giving dating advice. The one piece of advice that stuck with me after this whole conversation (I was drinking wine and feeling niiiiice) was to "let him be a man." Um, ok. Done, because he is one. Hopefully.

What I think she meant was, let him take care of you or at least think that he is taking care of you in some capacity. It's like, really? Am I dealing with a child? Ok, honey, you pay for me and you initiate the conversation. I'm just going to sit here and smile! Do you feeling like a man now? No? Ok, you call me first. I will sit by the phone panicking because I didn't hear from you after we had an amazing date. And instead of taking matters into my own hands, I'm just going to let an opportunity pass me by. Bye!!! Don't call! Sigh.

I understand the philosophy behind it and all, but it sucks! I don't have to like it, right? Dating is so much more complicated that I was making it out to be. I don't want that. I don't want to feel pressured to act a certain way, so that some dude likes me. It's so demeaning and so 1950. It's similar to the way I acted in high school. Coy and constantly waiting. Waiting for someone to grow a pair and ask me out. I did date a little in high school, but I was so awkward that it wasn't even that memorable, just...awkward. Hi again braces and my extremely depleted self-esteem! I totally did not miss you.

Honestly though, mostly every time I have initiated a conversation with a guy at a bar or showed that I was interested, it would blow up in my face. Like his balls would mysteriously retract up into his body because some girl thought he was cool. "Why are you interested in me? It's like your a heterosexual female and I'm a heterosexual male!" Crazy. People do pick up vibes better than you think, so that gets me into trouble. I can not play it cool for the life of me. I'm just really not that cool.

Ah, yes. More fun ahead! I'm really not that bitter, I swear. Really. I'm not. Positivity!

On a fun, totally lame note, I did a special improv performance Saturday night with a mix of people from classes and people who are regular performers at the theatre. I'm of the class distinction...for now! So, I got to be a group with the one dude who I thought was cute. I had seen him perform before and had a total improv crush on him. Hi serendipity! Thanks for showing up! So I decided that I would really try to step out in a scene with him. And ta da...I did it! I'm ridiculous.

We totally walked out together too. Awesome. I mean, he was 10 paces behind me and was with his friends. Regardless, it was at the same time, kinda. We were also standing at the same corner together. Hot. He was still talking to his friends and I was hanging with my new gay friend. Totally sweet.

Deal breaker Love maker

2008-02-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

What am supremely cheesy title! I love it, and I know you do too. Lately I've been having a few discussions about dating standards and, more specifically, deal breakers. Everyone has their own little stipulation that if they see that annoyance in a potential partner, everything will be off. Most times it's just shallow provisos that we get caught up with - sad, but true. As my co-worker said to me today, "We're animals." And hey it's true! But at the same time, our ability to think makes us over-think too often.

I don't generally consider myself to be a shallow person, but sometimes you are more shallow that you really think you are. Oops, my bad! I have standards, as do most people. It can't be helped and most times you can't turn it off, especially when you are just jumping back into the dating scene (hey that's me!).

Turns out, I had a date the other night through my trusty crazy blind date site, go me! So, before you meet up with the person, you get to read a little bit about them (get out your witty commentary people). This preview gives you the chance to decide if you actually want to go out with them or not. And honestly, you really shouldn't be able to turn anyone down from a brief description of themselves and no picture. Oh, but I almost did.

The guy I met up with the other night wrote in a description of himself that he had a goatee, and my immediate reaction was "Ewwwww." For some reason the thought of meeting up with someone who sports a goatee really struck me as being a turn off. But why?? It really made no sense. I literally sat there for 10 minutes debating whether or not I should go out with goatee man. I mean, what? Why!? Why would I want to turn down a date because of facial hair? It seemed like the dumbest rejection ever.

I started thinking about guys who had goatees. Colin Farrell - he's hot and he has a goatee, but he's also kinda dirty. Edward Norton had a goatee! He's adorable. You may say, "But wait, Anne, didn't he have a goatee in the movie, American History X, where he played a scary neo-nazi?" To which I reply, "Yes, he played a sexy, scary neo-nazi who was reformed!"

I ended up biting the goateed bullet and met up with the dude. He had, in fact, shaved his goatee by the time of our meeting, so it wasn't even an issue. I'm glad I went too! He ended up being a pretty cool guy. I might even grace him with my presence again, but who knows! Lucky guy.

After I told my bff about considering not meeting up with the dude because of his facial hair disability, she told me that with her current girlfriend she gave up a lot of her former deal breaking stipulations. For as long as I have known her she has been somewhat of a music snob. Not at all in a bad way. She just knows what she likes. We are both music snobs actually, which gives us license to make fun of people who have crappy taste in music. Kidding! Not really. We bonded over the fact that we had very similar tastes in music and went to (and still do go to) numerous rockin' shows at Southpaw, Webster Hall, Bowery Ballroom, etc. The "cool" venues. We most definitely do not go see shows at Madison Square Garden, thank you very much. (Ok, except for that one time that we went to go see the Scissor Sisters and it was in the theater arena, not the main stage. That show was my pick, because I love them.)

Anyway, my bff has been very nitpicky about the people she dates and their musical tastes in the past, but currently, she is dating someone who is not at all on the same level of musical taste, and for some reason it just doesn't bother her. I didn't understand at first, especially when she told me she bought tickets for Stevie Wonder and Dolly Parton - don't get me wrong, they are both amazing musicians, but they are not the people we go to see live. She just likes her girlfriend so much that she will go see artists that she would normally scoff at people for going to see. I think that's adorable.

I may not be ready to settle on some things when I'm dating around, and I'm ok with that. I think that eventually I will let it all go and be ok with someone who has a little facial hair or possibly wears ugly sneakers (that one will be hard)! You never know what can happen when people fall in love. They get all crazy-like.

Why I Started This Blog

2008-01-23T19:48:00.000-05:00

Hi all out there in cyberspace! Did that statement just date me? Because it seems so 1995 to say something like that. Anyway, things are going well in Anne dating land lately and in my life in general, so to speak. I decided to take this time to reflect on why this blog is in existence for all of you out there pondering, thinking or wondering about it.

Moving to New York in my early to mid-twenties (no longer early and the mid is waining on accuracy) has been a shell shocking experience that has led me on some wonderful, scary, crazy and truly amazing adventures. A lot of these so-called adventures have occurred in the company of the opposite sex. Well, the experiences that have left the most impression on me. My girlfriends and I get into some crazy situations too! I'm hip!

Men are interesting creatures, especially when they begin to think you have the smallest interest in them. For some reason, they turn into complete cads and think they have to be assholes to get the point across that, no, they don't want to hook up with you. Dude, I will get the point without you being a complete dickhead and telling me about some stupid obscure story that is slightly offensive to all women. Thanks, but no thanks. I'm smart enough to get subtle hints.

So, the other night after my improv class, we all went out for drinks to try to "get to know each other." This class, for some reason, has only 5 women and 11 dudes. I walked in on the first day like, "Am I in the right place?" Lots o beef. Oh yeah. Or not. So, we're all out at the bar, sharing our other creative ventures besides improv, so I mention that I write a dating blog. The one dude (we shall call him J-face) says to me in the most pompous tone, "Oh, yeah like you didn't get that idea from Sex and the City or anything. Real original."

Literally, I was in shock. I wasn't even flirting with the guy or asking for his opinion for that matter. I just wanted to hang out and have a few beers with some compadres, but for some reason single women are seen as predators (I will eat you alive if you don't watch it!). His statement and the way he said it was just so unnecessarily aggressive. He continued to say completely inappropriate things to me the rest of the night, almost like a little boy pulling a little girl's hair to let her know that he liked her and that he probably had a potential career as a spouse abuser in the future. Congrats to you!

J-face says that I can interview him for my blog (oh joy!), so I begin to interview him about his dating life. Turns out, he has a girlfriend and has had one for the past six months, but prior to the girlfriend, he had been just dating around with no objective. A bit like what I'm doing at the moment. Also, turns out, his answers were boring and not even worth writing about.

We ended up getting into a conversation with another improv buddy (E) of mine about dating. J-face decides to give him advice with the ladies. He tells E (who is adorable, hilarious, and 23 years old), that in order to break the ice on a date, he should tell a joke. I was like, no way, just be yourself. The joke he told E to tell was, and I quote, "What type of bees produce milk?... Boobies!" What? Am I suddenly 11 years old again and feeling extremely uncomfortable about a joke referencing the female anatomy? Yes.

This is the mentality of some of the men I come across in my humble (yet awesome!) life. I totally shot down the joke idea, but my advice didn't go over so well. I mean honestly, if some guy told me that joke on a first date, I would pretend that I wasn't really his date and there was some sort of mix-up.

Don't get me wrong, there are some great and amazing guys out there, and I know this. I mean, I keep telling myself this. It's like a mantra of mine. I know some of these amazing guys. They do exist! They are not unicorns. They are real. It's just the super lame ones always stick in my head, because of all of the idiotic things that come out of their mouths. Like jokes about boobies.

Oh! And I was telling my friend about J-face the other night. She told me that our friend had actually gone out on a date with him a few months ago, and he was a complete ass on the date (shocker!). She found out later that he had a girlfriend. One word, classy.

CBD Parts 2&3

2008-01-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

So the Crazy Blind Dating adventures of last week have come to a close, but certainly not for good. It's such a great way to get "back in the dating scene," if you will. Not that I was ever really out of if, but I wasn't actively pursuing any real options. I used to say, "I find dating to be frivolously," (in my pretentious I really really don't care, but I do, voice) which I somewhat still believe.

In all honesty, dating is full of many rituals and protocol. First you learn the person's name. Usually what follows is what they do for a living, furthered by if they always wanted to do what they do. Then followed up with extra-curricular activities. I mean there is also room for story telling and random banter, but that can only happen if you really hit it off with a person.

So, let's take for instance Part 2 of CBD. I meet this guy at a swank place - way too swank for either of us. We ended up having one drink each then going to an Irish pub for some beers. Well, right off the bat, he starts telling me some random stories about him and his friend who frequent a pretty well-known bar in the city and how they always end up being the center of attention with their ability to cut a mean rug. I ask him, "Now do you attract all the attention because you are an amazing dancer? Or is it because you get ridiculously drunk and make a fool of yourself?" He answers, what I believe is honestly, "A little bit of both" (with a cute smile I might add).

He continues to tell really random stories and I share a few myself. I thought he was messing with half the time just to see if I would react to what he was saying, but not much really fazes me anymore these days. (I even told him later in the night that I thought he was messing with me. I have no gauge. I am too honest sometimes.) We ended up having a really great time hanging out with one another and the subject of "what we do" never came up until we were well into our first beer at the second bar. This, for me, was a definite sign of a good date. We ended up walking to the subway together and making out on a crusty subway platform (HOT!), but I seriously doubt I'll hear from him again. He didn't seem like the type to call.

CBD Part 3 was much like Part 1. The guy I met up with ended up talking a lot about himself, not really giving me a chance to speak about anything. And at this point I had been on three dates in three nights, so small talk wasn't coming so easy to me. The bonus of this date, though, was I got to experience an awesome bar that I had never been to before. Score for hidden places in NYC! The guy was nice enough, but I really couldn't hear anymore about the lighting company that he worked for and blah blah blah. That's what it sounded like by the end of the night. I was also coming down with a cold, so my patience was waining for many reasons.

(And as an aside, he was definitely flirting with the bartender at one point. I didn't really care . Is that bad? She looked extremely uncomfortable with the situation though.)

I went out to dinner with a few of my girlfriends the next night (screw the cold!), and talked about my date Part 3. My friend / guru had had a very similar experience the night before, as she had tried out CBD as well. She said that anytime she would try to relate to whatever the guy was talking about, he would listen, but then continue on with his point. Exactly what was happening with me! Weird.

I don't get it. Isn't normal conversation just a big jumble of different stories and points of view? Isn't that what makes life interesting? Finding that relation with another human being, rather than just talking about whatever stupid point you are trying to make. Making a connection. Isn't that the whole point of dating?

I may be wrong, but let's face it, I rarely am. I predict that the change from extremely cold to warm is the cause of my cold. I'm probably right about that.

Crrrazy Blind Dating

2008-01-03T15:30:00.000-05:00

Aah, it's been so long! Oh how I've missed you and I know you have been missing me, my loyal readers (all five of you!!!! Hi everyone). It's been a busy holiday season for me with many fun stories to be told. I have made a new year's resolution (that I have been testing out pre-New Year's Eve), which is to put myself out in the dating game as much as possible. I am full force! Not that I lack confidence, but I think dating can be extremely awkward, so I figured, the more I do it, the less awkward it will be. Here's hoping!

In the holiday spirit, a couple of my girlfriends and I went ice skating about a week ago. We thought it would be a fun alternative to the bar scene, and we were right! It was such a fun night, but my legs were super sore the next day from dodging all the fallen children (they really go down like dominoes). As we were lacing up to hit the ice my one friend says, "this has to be the worst place ever to find a single man." As I look around, all I can see are little children and happy couples gleefully skating on the very rough ice. That's not what this night is about anyway!

As the Zamboni starts eliminating all the jacked up ice, we sit around and talk in the cold. My friend mentioned a new dating site to me (www.crazyblinddate.com) and how she tried it out and really liked it. Basically instead of going through all the ridiculousness of finding someone through online dating, they do it for you! You just enter in your information and hope that Prince Charming is waiting for on the other e-side. This sounds a-ma-zing. Why not try it out!?

I decided to set up a few dates, and by a few, I mean I set up three right in a row. Oops! I got a little over zealous about the whole thing, because it's a guaranteed date (wow, I sound pathetic right now). You literally just have to answer a few questions about yourself, and what you are looking for in a person, and they match you up. You can also give feedback after the date, so they can continue to narrow down the pool of fine men for you. I hope they do well, because it's such a great concept, especially for pathetic New Yorkers much like myself.

Last night was my very first crazy blind date! It was definitely a good time and I was impressed by their pick. He was a very nice guy with lots to say, mostly about himself, but he was nice. I don't think I got more than 50 words in - and you say, "50! that's a lot!" Oh, no honey, not on a two hour date and not when you're me. He really liked talking about his boring job and how his friends own a few bars that he likes to go to. He didn't really ask me too many questions about myself, but when you are that awesome, why do you need to find out about anyone else! I mean, really.

He ended up paying for everything, which was very nice. Don't get me wrong, I had a fun time, but he isn't the man for me. He got my number after the date, which I am so bad at saying no to. And in this day of cell phones, you can never give someone the wrong number because they immediately call your phone so you have their number. How awkward when your phone just doesn't ring. Anyway, he ended up texting me last night about an hour after the date asking me out again. Awww. I feel liked! But then I felt really bad that I had to shoot him down via text message today. Ick. I feel dirty.

My roommate made an interesting observation this morning when she said, "it's so interesting how two people can have a completely different perception of what's going on." So true, so true. He liked me, but I felt like he never got to know me in the least because I didn't really talk too much the whole time. Ah, the foils of love! Or is it spoils? Or does that just not make any sense? I certainly don't know!

Onward! I am going out on another crazy blind date tonight, so hopefully it will go better or will be on the same playing level as last night. I'm really not expecting too much, which I think is helpful in these situations.

Ugh, I'm still feeling like a jerk turning that guy down. K, now I'm over it.

UPDATE: I totally forgot to include this in the run down. I told the dude last night who my favorite band was in high school and college (Weezer - hey, they were pretty rockin') and he proceeded to tell me that he saw them live once. He said he thought Rivers Cuomo was arrogant because he had his back to the crowd for a couple of songs. He incidentally gave them a bad review in some magazine he was writing for. Not the way to win a girl's heart, buddy! Try again next time. I heart Rivers Cuomo.

The Internet is for Lovers

2007-12-20T11:38:00.000-05:00

It's a slow day at work today, so I decided to take a brief moment out of my day to write a quick entry. My boss has my blog link, so maybe this isn't the best idea, but I'm going with it anyway. That's how I live - dangerously on the edge! (actually I drafted this last night and am just posting it now...)

Maybe the title to this entry should read "The Internet is for Losers" but I wanted to stay positive about things. I mean, really, doesn't everyone date on the 'net these days? That's what I was thinking when I decided to sign up on nerve.com with my hilariously cute online dating profile. I thought, this should be fun, total anonymity and no real judgment! We are all here to date, so let's do it!

Oh, was I wrong! I got a total of zero dates through online dating. I know several girlfriends who have done the online dating thing as well and have fared much better than I did, so this left me feeling sad, lonely, and seriously pathetic. My friend / dating guru was an expert at getting dates through her nerve.com profile, so I took her advice. "Email at least two guys a day." Done and done. I received maybe one response from this expert tactic, and the guy turned out to be a little bit of a weirdo.

What am I doing wrong here? It's the Internet! I would have even respected the response, "Sorry, not interested." But no response at all! I even had my brother-in-law help me with some parts of my profile to make them more "attractive." He told me I was writing in too many jokes. Too many jokes! I did, in fact, write in the fill in the blank section, "Horses are sexy; Unicorns are sexier!" Ok, it's stupid, I know, but it amused me to no end - it still does.

I have since taken down my dating profile, but it sits there waiting to be put right back up again for more non-rejection rejection. It's hard for me to take anything seriously, especially the modern way of dating. You still hear those stories of meeting a guy through a friend, or on the subway (hello roommate! she went on a date with subway dude last night), or at a party, etc., but I feel like they are becoming more and more rare - maybe just on my behalf. Wow, I've become a cynic. Think positive, think positive.

I miss the college days, when you dated the guy who lived across the hall from you. The guy who lives across the hall from me now is named Juan, and he's 75 years old.

CLAWED

2007-12-16T12:53:00.000-05:00

What a night! I frolicked in the streets of Brooklyn, had some festive drinks with friends (and new friends!), won an incredible prize, and showed a lot of love for my roommate.

My roommate and I began our night by eating delicious sushi and a fabu bottle of Saint-Emilion. We danced to Britney Spears before we left and taunting our cat by showing her our hot dance moves. She hasn't looked at us the same since. I think she's jealous.

To start the night off right, we begin walking to our friend's apartment and notice a claw machine outside of a bodega. Here is a cartoon rendition:

So, I say, "Let's win something for GENERIC FRIEND NAME!!!!" I got really excited because this machine was the bane of my existence when I was a child. The claw never really latched on and you were always disappointed, because you were always so close! I go into this thinking, whatever, I'm not going to win anything anyway, but it will be fun to try. (trickle of sweat running down brow) I go for the little snowman, festive, and what happens? I end up with two, not one or zero, toys! JOY!!! One is definitely a creepy clown that looks like it was dropped on the street then into the claw machine and the other is the snowman! My night is over! No need to go to the party. Wow, I'm amazing.

My roommate and I go running down the streets yelling in excitement, taking as many pictures with our new friends as possible. Walking across the street, riding on a motorcycle, almost being thrown over the bridge, etc. We make it to the party in great spirits ready for a fun evening. And oh was it! What a great party - so many fun people. Not too many eligible bachelors - my roommate ended up talking to a guy most of the night, who she later found out has a live-in girlfriend...okay buddy, nice move. I ended up propositioning the host to be brutally rebuffed. Ah, love the embarrassment.

BUT at one point during the night, my roommate called me into the this room where everyone just started applauding me. When does that ever happen! They were all just as excited about the double claw win as I was! Wonderful!

I like parties

2007-12-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

Parties are great. They give you chance to meet new people and then get embarrassingly wasted with those new friends. And I frequently am one to embarrass myself, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not, but it will eventually happen one way or another, and I actually enjoy embarrassing myself. I don't exactly know why.

So tonight, I'm going to a party. And boy am I excited! Well, kinda. I had to really convince myself that I should go, because you never know, you might meet someone special. Or in the least someone to share a drunken philosophical moment with.

I, by nature, am I very social person and I like meeting new people and having new experiences. (Speed dating was great for that!) The last party I went to was completely random. I had gone to see my friend's improv show totally hungover on a Saturday night, but since the show was at night I convinced myself that it was like going out without actually going out. Anyway, my friend invited me to the after party, but I was hesitant because I was feeling a little rough from the previous night of drinking. He and his friends convinced me to go, so I decided to go along. I was thinking, "how bad could this be? Funny people drinking and being merry."

The party was at a nice apartment in the city - very good size for party and lots of fun people there. I immediately hit it off with one of the guys who lived in the apartment and started joking around with him and flirting. Oh, surprise! He is flirting back. This is exciting! So, I have to play it cool and hang out, but he keeps coming around to talk to me and flirt. Yay, maybe a hook-up tonight!

Incidentally, this same night, I also met a totally awesome girl who I attached myself to the whole night. She and I ended up exchanging information at the end of the night. This happens to me often, I meet cool girls at parties and through friends, but rarely the awesome single dudes - so I was super excited that there was a cute, smart, funny guy talking to me as well.

My friends left to go karaoking, but I decided to stay behind because of all the fun I was having. It was a great decision. I kept my flirt on, while keeping it cool. When the end of the night arrived (actually, went I totally ran out of steam), there was no exchange of numbers with the cute boy, just an awkward hug goodnight and a "so good to meet you!" Uh, I... I, yeah, awesome. See ya!

What? I don't get it. Flirt all night, but give the awkward goodbye? Girlfriend? Or just embarrassed to give me your number in front of your friends? Hm. I was seriously confused, but since I had exchanged info with cool girl, there was a link! Cool girl and I instantly became myspace friends and I totally stalked cute boy in her friends, whom I immediately friended and messaged. Never heard back. Again, what?

All in all, it was a fun night, but I walked away from it confused and a little let down - BUT with an super cool new friend.

Hopefully tonight will be fun! And perhaps some cuties will be at the party, but no biggie if there aren't. I will just get really drunk and tell all of my friends how much I love them. I'm so in that kind of mood and I haven't even had a drink. They love me for it.

Oh, and on an unrelated jealousy note, my roommate met some guy on the subway a few days ago, who she totally hit it off with. They didn't exchange information, but they both wrote "missed connections" for each other. He wrote back to her listing saying that he beat her to the punch. Adorable! Adorably disgusting. Ugh. I mean, I'm really happy for you!

Speed Dating in Tribeca

2007-12-12T20:27:00.000-05:00

So last night was the night! The night to end all nights...or the night I tried out speed dating for the first time. Let me tell you, it was definitely an experience - good and bad at the same time, but so very enjoyable. Now for the breakdown.

My friend (and dating guru) had convinced me to do this about 2 weeks ago. I thought about testing it out for awhile, but we actually locked down a date for the blessed event. We met up a little early to run a few holiday errands, waste some time, and feel nervous and anxious about the upcoming potential fiasco.

We arrive at the bar exactly on time for registration which is at 7pm, so we can take advantage of the happy hour special before succumbing to 15 four minute (!) dates. According to my nose, the bar has an overwhelming smell of pee, but my dating guru assures me that it just smells like every bar. Whatever. As we walk up to registration, we realize there is no one else here for speed dating, just some regulars at the bar. Uh, ok. We are #1 and #2 and completely embarrassed about that. But (ding ding) we are told that we can sit together in a booth! This is going to be great! We ended up not really having much time to talk to each other during the event, but it was reassuring to have one another right there.

As we (and by we I mean "I") chug our (my) beer(s), we take a look at the crowd slowly arriving. We notice an interesting dichotomy between the men and women who will be speed dating with us. There are loads of cute, fun, outgoing women who you would think would already have been snatched up, but then I remember that this is New York and single men are lacking. The men arriving seem awkward, less attractive and much fewer in numbers. This is going to be interesting!

In order to make sure our nerves are really up on high, there is an announcement in the bar that all speed daters need to form around the front for instructions. Oh joy! Now we get to stand in a group, while everyone else in the bar looks at us - the lame-o's who can't get a date. We are all ordered back to our seats after the instruction session (which basically is: girls sit while boys go around to each place when the whistle blows, yes a whistle. Am I in Cancun? Is it time for beach volleyball?). Let the dating begin!

I don't know that I will get into to much detail about the "dates" but honestly every person I spoke with was extremely nice and relatively normal, yet a little awkward. Most of the men had mentioned their lack of ability to approach women at bars, which I can totally understand. I find a lot of guys gross and annoying when they try to talk to me. Ick. Is this why I'm still single?

So, one dude tried to talk philosophy with me, another one tried to entice me with his knowledge of the comedian Paul Mooney, another was most definitely gay (and coincidentally the most attractive man there, of course). My scorecard by the end of the night had no yeses, but honestly I had such a wonderful time. I went in thinking it was going to be like that scene in "40 year old Virgin" but it wasn't as weird and no boobs were exposed. At least, mine were in check, so that was a good thing. I didn't run into an crazy exes either. All in all, a pleasant evening. lokds-=wdf[s Oops! my cat just walked on my keyboard. Yeah, I'm single.

I don't know if I will do the speed dating again, but it was for sure an adventure for the ages! Or just a night that was worth every penny.

xo (ew, is that too Gossip Girl? I'll stop)

PS. I totally took notes in the beginning of the night on general ambiance that was extremely witty and amazing, but I stupidly left the note pad at work. My friend / guru who dated with me told me that I couldn't keep the note pad out while I was dating because I would look creepy. She was probably right.

Beginnings

2007-12-11T18:00:00.000-05:00

My adventure begins! Or at least the documentation of my adventures is beginning. My sister has urged me to start a blog about dating in New York and the funny men I come across. I thought for the longest time that this was a played-out idea that had been sampled by many other young New York women. It makes sense! Finding a single straight man in NYC is probably one of the hardest things to do. Well, let's rephrase - finding a single straight man in NYC who I want to date is one of the hardest things. There are great men out there, but I can't seem to find the ones who want to make out with me as much as I want to make out with them.

This blog will contain my current adventures in dating as well as old adventures, just because there are some funny ones that just NEED to be talked about, er blogged about. I'm new to blogging; I don't exactly have blog-speak down. Anyway, I hope you (whoever you might happen to be) will be entertained by my inane ramblings about crazy me and crazy people.

So to begin this adventure the right way, I am going speed dating tonight for the first time ever. Let me tell you, I am SO excited. I can't wait to see the type of people who show up and what will be discussed with my potential daters. I already have one question lined up, "If you could have either the ability to fly or the ability to be invisible, which would you choose? Why would you choose it?" It's a killer!!

I told my boss I felt like I was interviewing someone for the position of my boyfriend. She thought it was funny.

So wish me luck, e-people! I shall review in detail the adventures of this evening's venture.

xo