Hey lady readers. I actually have a really important topic to talk about today. More and more I've been hearing stories from my friends about this new epidemic. I thought it was about time that I broached the topic in a safe forum.
Ladies, something has been going on recently that has been making many us feel uncomfortable and taking us quite off guard. Ladies, I'm talking about face rape. Yeah, that's right: facial rape. It's not ok, and it happens way way too often.
Case #1: My sister went on a date with a guy a few months ago. I think she met him on some online dating website. Often, this is where it all starts. They were out on what seemed to be a nice typical date. She wasn't "feeling" him yet, but she was enjoying her time. She was enjoying her time until... You guessed it: facial rape. She turned her head to look at something at the far end of the bar and when she turned her head back, the guy was making out with her face. Jesus. The humanity!
Case #2: My friend "Sandwiches" has entered the world of online dating recently, and she has been faring pretty well. She's a tall beauty who was looking for a tall handsome man to call her own. She had been on a few dates with her tall beau, and at the time her impression of him was that he was a kind, gentle, well-mannered young lad, until... Yes, again. They were standing on the subway platform after a very civilized date when he "started raping my face. It was so awkward!" Why!?? WHYYYYY!!!
Case #3: I went on a date recently in Brooklyn with a new guy I had met on OkCupid. He seemed pretty cool and was quite attractive. When I arrived at the bar, he gave me a hug and told me to order a drink on his tab. I was excited by the fact that he was willing to pony up on this date, though, throughout the night, he kept touching my leg and well, he kept just touching me, which shot my defenses right up.
The evening had been pretty tame, except for the odd touchy advances that I ignored, until... it just came out of no where! He randomly told me that he was going to try to make out with me (why are you telling me this? I gave you no indication that I wanted to make out with you. I actually ignored and brushed off your hand every time it touched me), and then well... he raped my face. NNOOOOOO!!!!! I just met you! I didn't ask for this! This is not ok!
So, ladies be on the lookout for face rapers. There are more out there in the world than you think. And guys, don't facially rape women. It's not cool... so not cool.
Ed note: thank you to Sandwiches for coining "face rape" and letting me use it in this post.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Digital Digital Break-Up
So, friends, colleagues, lovers, haters, cats, dogs, infants, as previously mentioned, I went on a date last week. LP had been using the good ole OkCupid! recently and going on lots o dates, so I signed my cute (firm) butt up to the site – also as previously mentioned.
The first email that this guy sent to me was hilarious, and every single email after that initial contact followed suit. So, needless-to-say, I was excited to go out with the guy. From his picture, I didn’t think he was super cute, but pictures can’t always give the full … picture? … of what a person looks like. And I’m not THAT shallow. Sometimes, maybe.
We went out on our fantastical date on a rainy Monday night, and everything seemed to go wrong from the moment I met up with him. The restaurant he wanted to go to had a long wait (he didn’t make a reservation), he ordered an entire bottle of wine for our meal (that’s way too much for a first date), he told me about his ex-girlfriend (they were together for five years and they broke up after he proposed), he didn’t offer to pay (it’s the gesture that counts), he emailed me continually following the date (once when he got home that night, the next morning, another one that day, the following day, the day after). It was just a snowball of all the wrong moves.
I was feeling smothered and extremely awkward. I felt like I was already in a relationship with the guy and we got to the phase when we wear sweatpants around each other and eat ice cream out of the carton as it drips onto our sweats and gets all over our faces, then we pass out.
“Honey, pass me the remote."
“…”
“Honey!?”
“What?”
“The remote?”
“Oh. I’m hungry”
So exciting.
I am not old fashioned at all, but dating is smoke in mirrors. Yes, you should be yourself, but there are “rules” for a reason, though you shouldn’t follow them too strictly. It’s all about anticipation and the excitement (and that poopy-pants feeling) of getting to know someone slowly. Hot, right? Totally.
I blew him off over the weekend – he asked me out on Wednesday and was upset because Friday was TOO LONG to wait to see me. CHILLOUTWEJUSTMET. I know I’m pretty awesome, but work for it dude! Make me want to date you.
I had to write him the dreaded break-up email that basically said I didn’t feel the chemistry between the two of us blahbity blah blah. He was really nice in his response, which was comforting, but I still felt bad for having to write the email in the first place. I got advice from a few lady friends about what to say. Surprisingly, I have a bunch of friends who have had to write the same exact email. I’m also prone to give someone a second chance, because dates can be awkward and people get really nervous! But, it was way too much follow-up work on his behalf.
My friend once got a preemptive break up email from a potential suitor. She had gone on one date with him – met him online – and the day after their date, he wrote to her to let her down. He didn’t “feel cupid’s dart” but thought she was great, which (spoiler alert) she is. She’s one of the coolest, most bad-ass chicks I know. AND she’s extremely hot. Cupid’s dart? Really? Really? Not a super masculine thing to say. Any dude who writes that in an email isn’t good enough for that foxy lady. Not at aaaalllllll.
She thought it was hilarious that he had to write the email in the first place. “He could have just never written me and I wouldn’t have cared.”
What to do after a date! How long do you wait to contact the person if you like them? Some people say a few days. Some people say a week. Some people say … never. But those people are jerks.
The first email that this guy sent to me was hilarious, and every single email after that initial contact followed suit. So, needless-to-say, I was excited to go out with the guy. From his picture, I didn’t think he was super cute, but pictures can’t always give the full … picture? … of what a person looks like. And I’m not THAT shallow. Sometimes, maybe.
We went out on our fantastical date on a rainy Monday night, and everything seemed to go wrong from the moment I met up with him. The restaurant he wanted to go to had a long wait (he didn’t make a reservation), he ordered an entire bottle of wine for our meal (that’s way too much for a first date), he told me about his ex-girlfriend (they were together for five years and they broke up after he proposed), he didn’t offer to pay (it’s the gesture that counts), he emailed me continually following the date (once when he got home that night, the next morning, another one that day, the following day, the day after). It was just a snowball of all the wrong moves.
I was feeling smothered and extremely awkward. I felt like I was already in a relationship with the guy and we got to the phase when we wear sweatpants around each other and eat ice cream out of the carton as it drips onto our sweats and gets all over our faces, then we pass out.
“Honey, pass me the remote."
“…”
“Honey!?”
“What?”
“The remote?”
“Oh. I’m hungry”
So exciting.
I am not old fashioned at all, but dating is smoke in mirrors. Yes, you should be yourself, but there are “rules” for a reason, though you shouldn’t follow them too strictly. It’s all about anticipation and the excitement (and that poopy-pants feeling) of getting to know someone slowly. Hot, right? Totally.
I blew him off over the weekend – he asked me out on Wednesday and was upset because Friday was TOO LONG to wait to see me. CHILLOUTWEJUSTMET. I know I’m pretty awesome, but work for it dude! Make me want to date you.
I had to write him the dreaded break-up email that basically said I didn’t feel the chemistry between the two of us blahbity blah blah. He was really nice in his response, which was comforting, but I still felt bad for having to write the email in the first place. I got advice from a few lady friends about what to say. Surprisingly, I have a bunch of friends who have had to write the same exact email. I’m also prone to give someone a second chance, because dates can be awkward and people get really nervous! But, it was way too much follow-up work on his behalf.
My friend once got a preemptive break up email from a potential suitor. She had gone on one date with him – met him online – and the day after their date, he wrote to her to let her down. He didn’t “feel cupid’s dart” but thought she was great, which (spoiler alert) she is. She’s one of the coolest, most bad-ass chicks I know. AND she’s extremely hot. Cupid’s dart? Really? Really? Not a super masculine thing to say. Any dude who writes that in an email isn’t good enough for that foxy lady. Not at aaaalllllll.
She thought it was hilarious that he had to write the email in the first place. “He could have just never written me and I wouldn’t have cared.”
What to do after a date! How long do you wait to contact the person if you like them? Some people say a few days. Some people say a week. Some people say … never. But those people are jerks.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Ok, Cupid
Oh man readers! I started online dating! Again! I tried doing this a few years ago and I absolutely hated it. I got a few messages from only really creepy guys, but I never ended up going out on any dates with anyone.
“Is there no one out there who is normal and wants to date me!?”
I shouted that many times out my bedroom window and the crazy old lady across the street looked at me like she saw a younger version of herself. I immediately puked, showered, brushed my teeth and hooked up with a young Hispanic dude in my building. None of that actually happened. Or did it!?!?!
At any rate! My good pal, LP, told me that she had been using OkCupid! for awhile and lurved it. She was going out on lots of dates, and she assured me that there are far more normal peeps on this site as compared to the site I was using. In fact, she and the guru have been dating a lot lately (sluts! Kidding LOVE YOU) and I felt like I should throw myself in the mix, get some hunky dude to take me out, take me dancing or something...
Or he could take me to a really fancy restaurant and have the maître d hire a violinist to play a beautiful song while an opera singer backs him up. Then, he’ll take me back to his place where it’s covered in roses and lit candles, but it’s not a fire hazard, it’s an amazing love den for the two of us! Can you imagine!? Ah, such romance. Such intimacy. (This entire entry is being written in bed while my cat chases her tail. I am awesome.)
While I wait for the inevitable (or impossible), I will have to resort to dating some dudes online or at least emailing with them. OkCupid are the same people who bring us all Crazy Blind Date, and you all know how I feel about Crazy Blind Date. It’s pretty much amazing and everyone needs to do it at least once. Fo reals. It’s the shiznizzle bomb.
OkCupid has so far been really great. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from normal sounding dudes and have even gone out on a date! I’ve been on the site for a week, and I had a date! Me! A DATE! The date was a lot of fun and I’ll have to update you on that later, because of course there were plenty o awkward moments...
For now, there are more important matters at hand. While OkCupid has given me a much better experience this time around with online dating, there is still some weird shit going on. Not gonna lie. I hate the whole “wink” function. I understand that people are shy about dating and that’s why they signed up to date online, but just write a message. On the other hand, I’ve gotten a message that probably should have been a wink. It read: Hello. I came in my pants when I read that. Such poetry! So much effort!
I’m a bitch. I know.
But the best message that I have received so far was sent to me by a 37 year old man, who doesn’t even have a picture up on his profile, he has a painting of a woman. His message will live forever in my mind. His heart will go on.
“you are so pretty and feminine.... ;-) so lucky to be a girl.
hugs
xo”
Thank…you? I am lucky to be a girl, especially once a month. Right!? Too much, sorry. Yeah, so I just ignored this message. It doesn’t make any sense and in all honesty, it freaked me out. I went to his profile to see what his deal was and I found that he is married. Married. He is married. Who married him?? Apparently, he and his wife are A-OK with having lovers. That concept makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really think you should get married if you want to have lovers, but that’s just me. Call me old fashioned!
So, I thought I would never hear from him again, since I blatantly ignored his message, but today as I was trying to find my dream man who will take me on horseback rides in the Caribbean and draw a bath for me after a long day with cold champagne ready for the drinkin’ all set up near the heart shaped bath tub… Ah sorry. Fantasies are getting out of hand!
Anyway, I got an IM from the married dude:
“is it weird that as a man i want a special female friend who has or might have another male lover?”
WHAT! We just went from Weirdsville to Whatthefuckisgoingontown. Who writes that!? There was no, “Hi, how you doing? Crazy weather we’re having? I like my ladies to have multiple lovers. Interested?”
Needless-to-say, I blocked the guy. I definitely don’t need head cases contacting me on a dating website, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who is openly cheating on their wife either. Even if they are both cool with it. It freaks me out.
Sigh! Don’t worry though. I have faith in this website. I will find that man who will let me sleep late because I had a long night, then bring me breakfast in bed because I’m too hungover to get up. He’ll make the best omelet I’ve ever tasted and bring me coffee straight from Columbia surprising me with tickets to Columbia and we’ll laugh and pack and leave the country without a worry in the world! Sigh, indeed.
Until then, I’ll try to steer clear of Whatthefuckisgoingontown and you should to.
“Is there no one out there who is normal and wants to date me!?”
I shouted that many times out my bedroom window and the crazy old lady across the street looked at me like she saw a younger version of herself. I immediately puked, showered, brushed my teeth and hooked up with a young Hispanic dude in my building. None of that actually happened. Or did it!?!?!
At any rate! My good pal, LP, told me that she had been using OkCupid! for awhile and lurved it. She was going out on lots of dates, and she assured me that there are far more normal peeps on this site as compared to the site I was using. In fact, she and the guru have been dating a lot lately (sluts! Kidding LOVE YOU) and I felt like I should throw myself in the mix, get some hunky dude to take me out, take me dancing or something...
Or he could take me to a really fancy restaurant and have the maître d hire a violinist to play a beautiful song while an opera singer backs him up. Then, he’ll take me back to his place where it’s covered in roses and lit candles, but it’s not a fire hazard, it’s an amazing love den for the two of us! Can you imagine!? Ah, such romance. Such intimacy. (This entire entry is being written in bed while my cat chases her tail. I am awesome.)
While I wait for the inevitable (or impossible), I will have to resort to dating some dudes online or at least emailing with them. OkCupid are the same people who bring us all Crazy Blind Date, and you all know how I feel about Crazy Blind Date. It’s pretty much amazing and everyone needs to do it at least once. Fo reals. It’s the shiznizzle bomb.
OkCupid has so far been really great. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from normal sounding dudes and have even gone out on a date! I’ve been on the site for a week, and I had a date! Me! A DATE! The date was a lot of fun and I’ll have to update you on that later, because of course there were plenty o awkward moments...
For now, there are more important matters at hand. While OkCupid has given me a much better experience this time around with online dating, there is still some weird shit going on. Not gonna lie. I hate the whole “wink” function. I understand that people are shy about dating and that’s why they signed up to date online, but just write a message. On the other hand, I’ve gotten a message that probably should have been a wink. It read: Hello. I came in my pants when I read that. Such poetry! So much effort!
I’m a bitch. I know.
But the best message that I have received so far was sent to me by a 37 year old man, who doesn’t even have a picture up on his profile, he has a painting of a woman. His message will live forever in my mind. His heart will go on.
“you are so pretty and feminine.... ;-) so lucky to be a girl.
hugs
xo”
Thank…you? I am lucky to be a girl, especially once a month. Right!? Too much, sorry. Yeah, so I just ignored this message. It doesn’t make any sense and in all honesty, it freaked me out. I went to his profile to see what his deal was and I found that he is married. Married. He is married. Who married him?? Apparently, he and his wife are A-OK with having lovers. That concept makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really think you should get married if you want to have lovers, but that’s just me. Call me old fashioned!
So, I thought I would never hear from him again, since I blatantly ignored his message, but today as I was trying to find my dream man who will take me on horseback rides in the Caribbean and draw a bath for me after a long day with cold champagne ready for the drinkin’ all set up near the heart shaped bath tub… Ah sorry. Fantasies are getting out of hand!
Anyway, I got an IM from the married dude:
“is it weird that as a man i want a special female friend who has or might have another male lover?”
WHAT! We just went from Weirdsville to Whatthefuckisgoingontown. Who writes that!? There was no, “Hi, how you doing? Crazy weather we’re having? I like my ladies to have multiple lovers. Interested?”
Needless-to-say, I blocked the guy. I definitely don’t need head cases contacting me on a dating website, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who is openly cheating on their wife either. Even if they are both cool with it. It freaks me out.
Sigh! Don’t worry though. I have faith in this website. I will find that man who will let me sleep late because I had a long night, then bring me breakfast in bed because I’m too hungover to get up. He’ll make the best omelet I’ve ever tasted and bring me coffee straight from Columbia surprising me with tickets to Columbia and we’ll laugh and pack and leave the country without a worry in the world! Sigh, indeed.
Until then, I’ll try to steer clear of Whatthefuckisgoingontown and you should to.
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