Falling Over in Failure

A few nights ago, the guru and I went out for a classy dinner in Park Slope. Some people may think we are dating when we dine together, because of all the laughing and making out, but, aahhh, we are not an item and we don't really make out... in public. After an amazing dinner, we thought we should go out for one more drink. We were on a mission. "It's Wednesday night. Let's pick up some dudes!" Our motto for the evening.

We made our way to our favorite watering hole, but unfortunately our favorite bartender wasn't working, so we were absent friendly banter and free Stella. Ah, well, let's find the dudes!

We staked our claim of awesome seats in plain view of a group of guys who we referred to as "The Apatow Crew," because one guy looked like Jonah Hill, except skinnier. The entire group was named for one kid who barely resembled Jonah Hill. We are awesome. So, we had these awesome seats, but after getting up for a smoke, we saw some nice seats open on the couches. The guru opted for these seats. Very comfortable. I get tired thinking about hitting on guys. Just thinking about it! Imagine if it actually happened.

I was wondering why she wanted to sit on the couches, because we weren't really in view of the guys we wanted to hit on. She told me that she didn't want to be obvious, but I'm like fuck it. Who cares? It's a Wednesday night and we are at a bar. So, we picked some new seats in better view of the guys. She then revealed to me that she can only hit on guys when there is a big crowd of people, and this bar was none too crowded. I'm the opposite. I feel like I have a better chance when there aren't as many people around. Less chance of the busty blonde coming and messing everything up! I mean really. Can you just give me a break, busty blonde!?

That was when I devised my master plan. The boys were playing bocce ball, which was en route to the bathroom... My plan was to go to the bathroom, then on the way back "fall" into one of the guys. It was genius! Brilliant! The most amazing plan ever! Except, when I got back up from the bathroom, the guys were in a different location and it just threw me off completely.

So, I sat down and continued to drink, and we never talked to The Apatow Crew or any guys for that matter.

The End.

Pee Your Pants to my Heart

Yesterday on the subway, I sat next to a man who had most definitely peed himself. He may have been asleep, but I think he was hitting on me! Those pheromones! Swoon.

Also, today on the subway, a woman was reading the book, Booty Call. I wonder what that's about! Sounds sassy.