The Hobble: An Epic Tale

Written by A. R. R. Tolkien

The Hobble follows the epic quest of the cane-bearing Blainebo Baggins.

"In a bar in Brooklyn there drank a hobble. Not a nasty, dirty, wet bar, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy bar with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobble-bar, and that means drunk bitches."

It had a perfectly stocked bar like you would imagine in any bar in Brooklyn. The Hobble had a plan for the night. I plan that would go down in history as the best pick-up technique ever seen by Man and Hobble alike.

We begin our story with two Women imbibing at The Sackett-shire bar just a few jaunts away from the Hobble-bar (also known to shire-folk as Union Hall). The two Women met up past the hour of midnight for they both had quests to fulfill prior to their rendez-vous. They laughed and drank ales until the quiet setting was to calm for their liking.

They sauntered up the trail to Union Hall so they might enjoy a livelier crowd for the evening, as this night was turning out to be quite a fun adventure for both of them. These Women are seasoned veterans when talking to Men, so they decided to use their skills for the good of Man- and Womankind.

Union Hall was disappointingly not as bustling as they had hoped, but they made the most of the night and positioned themselves by some attractive hat-bearing Men. To which, the Women quickly decided to leave for there was a dance party in the basement. Classic rock music played as the gyrated on the dance floor getting their "groove thing on" as some folk might say.

The dance party died down from a musical folly by the Disc Jockey, so the Women took their places by the hat-bearing Men.

I must tell you at this time, these Women, nor any folk in the bar for that matter, realized that this was, in fact, a Hobble-bar.

The Women began to converse with the hat-bearing Men and they learned that these Men were born of the country to the North and were at Union Hall on an adventure from their land. One of the Women also hails from the North country, so she was pleased to speak with her fellow countrymen.

The glasses-bearing Woman was particularly fond of the stripe-bearing Man for he had a smile that lit the room and eyes that pierced her hardened soul. He was also interested in this Woman for he had left the other Women with which he was playing a friendly game of bocce ball to join the glasses-bearing Woman for an ale. His friend begged him to join them for the remainder of the game for it was obvious that he was interested in the young Women bearing little clothes on this frigid evening.

The Men left these Women to finish their ales on their own, and this is the part of the story where the Hobble enters. The Women were laughing and enjoying each other's company when out of nowhere the cane-bearing Hobble questioned them.

"Are you making fun of my disability?"

The Women did not even see him walk towards them so they were quite shocked at his question. Their faces blanched, for they were loving Women and cared for all creatures in the Earth - except for cats. The Northern Woman earlier had conjectured that cats were "weird creatures" and she wished them all dead. The glasses-bearing Woman had a cat for a pet, but found no offense to her statement as she knew the Northern Woman had finally admitted what she had known to be her feelings all along.

So, the Women with faces blanched hastily denied that they were laughing at his disability and were worried they had offended the Hobble. The Hobble then laughed and the Women realized something. The Woman from the North spoke first.

"Is that your line?? If that's your line, I will have sex with you tonight."

The Hobble admitted that he was indeed using a line on the Women and they all had a merry laugh about it. What fun! What fun was had for the remainder of the evening. The Hobble told the Women they he had just hurt his knee the day before and did not have a disability, rather an injury. This Hobble certainly knew how to entertain, which is true of most Hobbles. They are a jolly folk indeed.

The Women were then joined by the Hobble's friends who turned out to be Men. The glasses-bearing Woman played wing-man for the Northern Woman as she laughed the evening away with her new Hobble love interest. A good time was had by all. They drank ale and told stories until the wee hours of the morning when the Hobble-bar started closing down the metal gates.

The glasses-bearing Woman glanced towards the bar where she saw the stripe-bearing Man she had spoken with earlier in the evening. They waved at one another and knew, just knew, that they would never see each other again. It was a sad moment for the glasses-bearing Woman as she had thought this Man was quite nice and very attractive. They shared one final goodbye wave and the stripe-bearing Man left into the cold of the night without another word spoken.

The Women left the bar with the Hobble and his jolly friends and they all went their separate ways. Little did they know that the Hobble and the Northern Woman arranged a secret rendez-vous at her living quarters. The Hobble and the Woman were enjoying each other's company when the Woman questioned him.

"Am I hurting your knee? Wait. You're not even injured are you?"

The Hobble admitted, "Nope. I'm not." And he got up and walked to the restroom. When he returned he told her that he found the cane on the street on the way to the bar to meet his friends. His friends were also unaware of his false injury, which made the Woman laugh even harder than she already was for this was the most amazing story she had ever heard. The Woman pleaded to the Hobble that they must be friends even if being romantic didn't work out for them. She found him to be interesting for he was a Master. A Master pick-up artist with skills unseen by her before. She was known as the Guru in some circles, but she realized quickly that the Hobble had surpassed her skills.

The Hobble left her living quarters the next morning and limped into the sunlight knowing that he had accomplished a magnificent feat. He had accomplished what he set out for the evening. The sun shone down on him as he walked off into the distance...

2010: Year of Men

I spent New Year’s eve up in Vermont for the second year in a row. I don’t think I’ll do New Year’s any other way. I go up with some friends to my Uncles’ very welcoming, very gay home. So the combination of family and gay meant there would be no hooking up for me, but that made no difference to me, as it is always a great time. We eat way too much food, drink way too much, and watch the Twilight Zone marathon.

I actually learn lots of lessons from the women in the Twilight Zone: always fall while running, know how to “wrestle up” some coffee, react very dramatically with your face when something crazy happens, but not too crazy as to make you look unattractive, be in abusive relationships, be extremely attractive or have been extremely attractive once in your life, BE AWESOME. The list could go on, but I will stop. You can always add some in the comments, if you so choose!

SO, we dubbed 2010 the Year of Men. I usually go up to VT with some of my amazing single lady friends and we decided that this year, we are going to be extremely slutty. NO, we decided that it will be a more confident year for us and we will go forward through the seas of men and come up victorious! FREEDOM!

I decided that in honor of the Year of Men, I was going to make a list of pseudo resolutions – more like a list of goals for myself in this all exciting and testosterone-filled year.

1. Stop being so damn stand-offish. It’s easy for me to dismiss a guy at a bar who is simply trying to make conversation. I have a very small tolerance threshold for bullshit, and an even smaller tolerance threshold for idiots. There are a lot of idiots out there. Though, I do realize that I need to give people more of a chance, so I’ll like… totally work on that.

2. This has nothing to do with dating, but I need to stop spending so much money! I have a tendency to just go with the flow and spend way outside my budget. I get really wrapped up in fun and end up staying out late and spending away like money doesn’t matter, as you can tell by some of my posts. So, I guess finding more budget friendly social events should be my goal… Easy enough! <-- I’ll be regretting writing that. I should just make dudes buy more drinks for me. That will help me save some money.

3. Stop taking dating advice from MTV reality shows. I don’t think I need to explain this one.

4. Stop making excuses. I find myself saying, “Well, he does yoga” or “We see each other so often” or “He has weird hair” or “He makes macramé in his spare time” or “He doesn’t have a job” or… Well the job one, I should probably keep as an excuse. Regardless, I tend to make excuses as to why I don’t go for someone. My friends have been pointing it out lately, and it’s so true. You can’t know for sure if something will work out or not unless you try! Chances! Life! Exciting!

5. Start dressing more trashy / sexy. Those girls who wear the whore outfits seem to get all the guys. So, today I’m going to go shopping at Hot Topic to get a JWoww outfit (Jersey Shore, amiright?).

6. Start going on study expeditions. Like, I am just going to go out on reconnaissance missions to study how people hook up. My friend was telling me a story the other day how one of our mutual friends wanted to hook up with anyone, so she pointed to a guy then walked up to him – 5 minutes later they left together. How does that happen!? I need to take slut lessons.

7. Stop talking about my cat. Enough said.

8. Go to new bars. I tend to frequent the same places all the time. I get really comfortable going to the same bars over and over again. I took a nap in a bar once. I got kicked out. They didn’t understand that I was just “resting my eyes.” I was not, I repeat not passed out. But, seriously, I fall into the same patterns when I feel at home, so I need to put myself into situations where I feel slightly less comfortable, where there is less nap potential.

9. Stop going for unavailable guys. It’s easy to flirt with someone who isn’t exactly available because you pretty much know that nothing will happen. That is, until you start getting invested in the person and they are just completely unavailable. Fun times!

10. Start taking more chances. I think that’s probably the theme of this entire list. I am generally a very happy person. I do things that make me happy and I surround myself with people who are awesome and supportive of my oddities. I take more chances with my friends than with relationships. So this year, I will take a page out of the ABBA songbook and "take a chance on me" finding a dude. Or whatever. Something like that, right? Sure.

So, everyone embrace this new year, the Year of Men, even if you are a straight dude or a lesbian. Embrace it. Love it. Vomit on it. Lovingly coddle it. Facetiously poke it in its belly. Make fun of it. Live it! Do it now, bitches!

Happy 2010!