Meat Up: Extra Beef

I am a professional facebook stalker. It's a really bad habit, but I figure that most people do it too... I mean, right!? People check other people's status updates constantly? Trying to think of something witty yet insightful to say? Right? Right!?!? Right.

So, I noticed that one of my friends posted something about a "meat up" on his facebook page and that he would be bartending at said meat up. I did a little investigation and it turned out that this whole fancy pantsy hook-up event was taking place at a bar in my hood. Naturally, I screamed loudly at work with glee and desperation. Happening in my neighborhood! A singles event! The gods are certainly shining on me today. Thank you very much! My coworker happened to walk by as I screamed and she just rolled her eyes. Someone's jealous!

I immediately emailed a few friends to see if they were interested in going with me, and my friend LP wrote me back saying that she would mos def like to be my "date" to the meat market. We hadn't hung out for awhile, so this was going to be a night! A night in which we mostly talked to ourselves, because these events tend to be slightly creepy and uncomfortable. Forced mingling. Ick.

I coach a local Brooklyn swim team on the night that the event was happening so I had to sneak out a little early to get my flirt on. Awwww yeaaaahhhh. Watch out boys! I'm coming and I'm gonna make you feel extremely uncomfortable. Yes!

With my newly applied chlorine perfume on, I made my way to meet up with LP. As we walked into the bar, we noticed that they had a hot dog stand set up at the entrance. Great idea! Why not give potential hook-ups some hot dogs... with onions... and saurkraut... and mustard. That will certainly make everyone MUCH more attractive... with sweet breath... and absolutely no bowel issues what-so-ever. Classy.

They were also giving out name tags when we walked in, and my stomach just dropped. I was thinking how many times I was going to get some dude talking to me while checking out my name tag which also happens to be very very close to my boobs. Fab. To top it off, they were asking what you wanted your porn name to be. Really? Really? LP and I turned down the offer for a name tag, and the guy in line behind us for the coat check wittily said, "Oh, you don't want to talk to anyone tonight?" To which I replied, "This is a couples event, right!?" To which he said, "You two have fun tonight." I really know how the hook the fellas in!

Let me just say, the night was a bit awkward - big surprise! Everyone was there because they were single or supporting a single friend, so it took the cool factor out of just hanging out at a bar, which is usually my m.o. I'm cool! I'm hip! LP and I noticed right away that it was going to be one of those nights, where we will have tons of fun, but we probably won't be meeting the man of our respective dreams! There were actually quite a few fellas at the event, but most of them were already talking to girls. Big surprise yet again!

LP and I had a great time and got a free drink out of it and some laughs shared at the expense of other people. Always a great way to lift the spirits. As we were heading out of the most unsuccessful pick-up night of the century, I saw a few of my dude friends walking in. I decided quickly that I, too, wanted to stay and said goodbye to my dear LP. I'm a horrible friend. I was like, oh guys I know are here... LATER. They were with a girl I didn't know, but we became fast friends. This chick was on the prowl. Much more aggressive than I am, so it was fun.

OF COURSE as soon as I walk in with the guys, they immediately start talking to girls. How does that happen? Sometimes, I think I'm pretty cool, but stuff like that never happens to me. I have to at least have a few beers in me to talk to a guy. I am really judgmental, so if I start talking to a guy before having a drink, I will openly roll my eyes at him and his lame attempts to make jokes and compliment me. Yup. I'm an asshole.

At one point, some guys come to talk to me and my new friend. I know his friend is just talking to me because his friend is talking to my new friend for life and ever and ever... and ever. He's a bit of a douchebag. When I told him I worked for a nonprofit, he asked, ever so delicately and respectfully, "What? You don't like money?" Yeah, that's right. I don't like money. In fact, I hate it. I give all of the money I make to the charity I work for. I don't have a home. The clothes that I'm wearing? Oh, I picked them up at a Salvation Army. Oh, and this beer? I stole it.

Then he said, "Well, I work for-profit, so you probably hate me. I work on Wall Street." Nope, I don't hate you because you work on Wall Street, but I don't really think you are that sharp and are a bit of a tactless d'bag. Then, he asked my most dreaded and hated question. This question makes me want to vomit all over the person asking it. Then it makes me want to go eat a hot dog from the front of the bar and vomit again. "What do you do for fun?" I read Steinbeck and knit clothes for the future children I want to have... with you... do you want kids? Want to see my knittings? I always carry them with me... just in case...

Interview questions within the first minute of talking to someone is never a good sign. I never know how to answer them. I don't want to answer them. I want to have a conversation and find out if I get along with you, not talk about what I do or what colors me pink. Or whatever that expression might be.

I told him I was a comedian, because I didn't know what else to say. He told me to tell him a joke, and I said, "No. I don't tell jokes... I need to go to the bathroom." So hot. GOD, I'm so hot. He wasn't hanging around when I came back, and I felt fine about that.

I stumbled home that night in the freezing cold slightly disappointed, but not too much. I had a great time and I didn't make too much of an ass of myself. All-in-all a good night! Except for the fact that NO pizza places were open on my stumble home. I was so pissed. Even the bodega was closed near my apartment. Ramen it is!

What do you do for fun???

BLARGH.