Wednesday, September 1, 2010

making out

Guys. I'm back to online dating. I took a serious hiatus because I kept getting really weird messages like: "are you 'so excited'? what really excites you?" referencing my handle, which references Jessie Spano, duh.

So, anyway, this guy that I was just "checking out" on OkCups tonight looked super cute and funny until I kept reading his profile.

What are you really good at?

I'm a "darn good" make out partner (really who says that).

List the things you can't do without.

Something. Something. Something else. Making out.

You should message me if... like making out.


I'm surprised that under "movies" he didn't write, "I don't watch movies, I make out during them."

I'll probably message him right after I post this.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Watch Out Ladies

Hey lady readers. I actually have a really important topic to talk about today. More and more I've been hearing stories from my friends about this new epidemic. I thought it was about time that I broached the topic in a safe forum.

Ladies, something has been going on recently that has been making many us feel uncomfortable and taking us quite off guard. Ladies, I'm talking about face rape. Yeah, that's right: facial rape. It's not ok, and it happens way way too often.

Case #1: My sister went on a date with a guy a few months ago. I think she met him on some online dating website. Often, this is where it all starts. They were out on what seemed to be a nice typical date. She wasn't "feeling" him yet, but she was enjoying her time. She was enjoying her time until... You guessed it: facial rape. She turned her head to look at something at the far end of the bar and when she turned her head back, the guy was making out with her face. Jesus. The humanity!

Case #2: My friend "Sandwiches" has entered the world of online dating recently, and she has been faring pretty well. She's a tall beauty who was looking for a tall handsome man to call her own. She had been on a few dates with her tall beau, and at the time her impression of him was that he was a kind, gentle, well-mannered young lad, until... Yes, again. They were standing on the subway platform after a very civilized date when he "started raping my face. It was so awkward!" Why!?? WHYYYYY!!!

Case #3: I went on a date recently in Brooklyn with a new guy I had met on OkCupid. He seemed pretty cool and was quite attractive. When I arrived at the bar, he gave me a hug and told me to order a drink on his tab. I was excited by the fact that he was willing to pony up on this date, though, throughout the night, he kept touching my leg and well, he kept just touching me, which shot my defenses right up.

The evening had been pretty tame, except for the odd touchy advances that I ignored, until... it just came out of no where! He randomly told me that he was going to try to make out with me (why are you telling me this? I gave you no indication that I wanted to make out with you. I actually ignored and brushed off your hand every time it touched me), and then well... he raped my face. NNOOOOOO!!!!! I just met you! I didn't ask for this! This is not ok!

So, ladies be on the lookout for face rapers. There are more out there in the world than you think. And guys, don't facially rape women. It's not cool... so not cool.

Ed note: thank you to Sandwiches for coining "face rape" and letting me use it in this post.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Digital Digital Break-Up

So, friends, colleagues, lovers, haters, cats, dogs, infants, as previously mentioned, I went on a date last week. LP had been using the good ole OkCupid! recently and going on lots o dates, so I signed my cute (firm) butt up to the site – also as previously mentioned.

The first email that this guy sent to me was hilarious, and every single email after that initial contact followed suit. So, needless-to-say, I was excited to go out with the guy. From his picture, I didn’t think he was super cute, but pictures can’t always give the full … picture? … of what a person looks like. And I’m not THAT shallow. Sometimes, maybe.

We went out on our fantastical date on a rainy Monday night, and everything seemed to go wrong from the moment I met up with him. The restaurant he wanted to go to had a long wait (he didn’t make a reservation), he ordered an entire bottle of wine for our meal (that’s way too much for a first date), he told me about his ex-girlfriend (they were together for five years and they broke up after he proposed), he didn’t offer to pay (it’s the gesture that counts), he emailed me continually following the date (once when he got home that night, the next morning, another one that day, the following day, the day after). It was just a snowball of all the wrong moves.

I was feeling smothered and extremely awkward. I felt like I was already in a relationship with the guy and we got to the phase when we wear sweatpants around each other and eat ice cream out of the carton as it drips onto our sweats and gets all over our faces, then we pass out.

“Honey, pass me the remote."




“The remote?”

“Oh. I’m hungry”

So exciting.

I am not old fashioned at all, but dating is smoke in mirrors. Yes, you should be yourself, but there are “rules” for a reason, though you shouldn’t follow them too strictly. It’s all about anticipation and the excitement (and that poopy-pants feeling) of getting to know someone slowly. Hot, right? Totally.

I blew him off over the weekend – he asked me out on Wednesday and was upset because Friday was TOO LONG to wait to see me. CHILLOUTWEJUSTMET. I know I’m pretty awesome, but work for it dude! Make me want to date you.

I had to write him the dreaded break-up email that basically said I didn’t feel the chemistry between the two of us blahbity blah blah. He was really nice in his response, which was comforting, but I still felt bad for having to write the email in the first place. I got advice from a few lady friends about what to say. Surprisingly, I have a bunch of friends who have had to write the same exact email. I’m also prone to give someone a second chance, because dates can be awkward and people get really nervous! But, it was way too much follow-up work on his behalf.

My friend once got a preemptive break up email from a potential suitor. She had gone on one date with him – met him online – and the day after their date, he wrote to her to let her down. He didn’t “feel cupid’s dart” but thought she was great, which (spoiler alert) she is. She’s one of the coolest, most bad-ass chicks I know. AND she’s extremely hot. Cupid’s dart? Really? Really? Not a super masculine thing to say. Any dude who writes that in an email isn’t good enough for that foxy lady. Not at aaaalllllll.

She thought it was hilarious that he had to write the email in the first place. “He could have just never written me and I wouldn’t have cared.”

What to do after a date! How long do you wait to contact the person if you like them? Some people say a few days. Some people say a week. Some people say … never. But those people are jerks.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Ok, Cupid

Oh man readers! I started online dating! Again! I tried doing this a few years ago and I absolutely hated it. I got a few messages from only really creepy guys, but I never ended up going out on any dates with anyone.

“Is there no one out there who is normal and wants to date me!?”

I shouted that many times out my bedroom window and the crazy old lady across the street looked at me like she saw a younger version of herself. I immediately puked, showered, brushed my teeth and hooked up with a young Hispanic dude in my building. None of that actually happened. Or did it!?!?!

At any rate! My good pal, LP, told me that she had been using OkCupid! for awhile and lurved it. She was going out on lots of dates, and she assured me that there are far more normal peeps on this site as compared to the site I was using. In fact, she and the guru have been dating a lot lately (sluts! Kidding LOVE YOU) and I felt like I should throw myself in the mix, get some hunky dude to take me out, take me dancing or something...

Or he could take me to a really fancy restaurant and have the maĆ®tre d hire a violinist to play a beautiful song while an opera singer backs him up. Then, he’ll take me back to his place where it’s covered in roses and lit candles, but it’s not a fire hazard, it’s an amazing love den for the two of us! Can you imagine!? Ah, such romance. Such intimacy. (This entire entry is being written in bed while my cat chases her tail. I am awesome.)

While I wait for the inevitable (or impossible), I will have to resort to dating some dudes online or at least emailing with them. OkCupid are the same people who bring us all Crazy Blind Date, and you all know how I feel about Crazy Blind Date. It’s pretty much amazing and everyone needs to do it at least once. Fo reals. It’s the shiznizzle bomb.

OkCupid has so far been really great. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from normal sounding dudes and have even gone out on a date! I’ve been on the site for a week, and I had a date! Me! A DATE! The date was a lot of fun and I’ll have to update you on that later, because of course there were plenty o awkward moments...

For now, there are more important matters at hand. While OkCupid has given me a much better experience this time around with online dating, there is still some weird shit going on. Not gonna lie. I hate the whole “wink” function. I understand that people are shy about dating and that’s why they signed up to date online, but just write a message. On the other hand, I’ve gotten a message that probably should have been a wink. It read: Hello. I came in my pants when I read that. Such poetry! So much effort!

I’m a bitch. I know.

But the best message that I have received so far was sent to me by a 37 year old man, who doesn’t even have a picture up on his profile, he has a painting of a woman. His message will live forever in my mind. His heart will go on.

“you are so pretty and feminine.... ;-) so lucky to be a girl.



Thank…you? I am lucky to be a girl, especially once a month. Right!? Too much, sorry. Yeah, so I just ignored this message. It doesn’t make any sense and in all honesty, it freaked me out. I went to his profile to see what his deal was and I found that he is married. Married. He is married. Who married him?? Apparently, he and his wife are A-OK with having lovers. That concept makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really think you should get married if you want to have lovers, but that’s just me. Call me old fashioned!

So, I thought I would never hear from him again, since I blatantly ignored his message, but today as I was trying to find my dream man who will take me on horseback rides in the Caribbean and draw a bath for me after a long day with cold champagne ready for the drinkin’ all set up near the heart shaped bath tub… Ah sorry. Fantasies are getting out of hand!

Anyway, I got an IM from the married dude:

“is it weird that as a man i want a special female friend who has or might have another male lover?”

WHAT! We just went from Weirdsville to Whatthefuckisgoingontown. Who writes that!? There was no, “Hi, how you doing? Crazy weather we’re having? I like my ladies to have multiple lovers. Interested?”

Needless-to-say, I blocked the guy. I definitely don’t need head cases contacting me on a dating website, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who is openly cheating on their wife either. Even if they are both cool with it. It freaks me out.

Sigh! Don’t worry though. I have faith in this website. I will find that man who will let me sleep late because I had a long night, then bring me breakfast in bed because I’m too hungover to get up. He’ll make the best omelet I’ve ever tasted and bring me coffee straight from Columbia surprising me with tickets to Columbia and we’ll laugh and pack and leave the country without a worry in the world! Sigh, indeed.

Until then, I’ll try to steer clear of Whatthefuckisgoingontown and you should to.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's, Lovelies!

A very happy Valentine's day to you all! Picture me: home watching movies, covered in blankets, sipping tea and snuggling with my cat. All true! I'm sick as a dog (whatever that saying means anyway, are dogs sick? and if so, how sick?) with some kind of cold and / or flu. I was planning to go over to my good friend / favorite chef's apartment for chocolate, wine and scary movies, but I shook the Magic 8 Ball and "outlook not good." Instead, I fear that I will be stuck at home watching crappy movies all day long.


Sadly, I don't actually have any good Valentine's day stories. I can't even remember the last time I had a "special someone" on this very blessed day. A-men. Or perhaps "A Man!" What!? I don't know. I think the cold medicine is making me loopy.

My friend wrote me earlier in the week saying that she was looking forward to a Valentine's day posting, so I told her that I was going to go out to a bar or restaurant to hit on people today just so I could have something to write. And by people, I meant couples. Like, join their dates and make them feel awesomely uncomfortable. How lucky they would have been! But alas, all my plans are now nil because I went ahead and got sick.

So, I'm going to take this time to tell everyone who reads this blog that I love you. I love you so much. You read my ramblings. You love me for my awkwardness. You love me for how pathetic I truly can be at times. And I love you for loving me. So come here. Come closer. Close your eyes.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Guest Blogger?

SO my dedicated readers! Since I posted the epic story, "The Hobble," the guru has become friends (just how good is still pending) with said hobble, Blainebo. Turns out, he's pretty awesome (pending further approval). AH, connections! Drunk ass connections! I've actually been keeping in touch with him as well.

The guru went ahead and sent him the posting for "The Hobble" and he luuuurved it. He lurved it so much that he was all jazzed up about creating some posts for this here blog. I am all about people sharing their stories with me so I can get some new insights and points-of-view on the blog, because let's face it, I can't be out on dates ALL THE TIME. I mean, I could but I just choose not to. OH yeah! Up top! Nice.

So, Blainebo emails me on a Saturday night and asks if he can contribute a guest entry, and I write back, "of course! send it along and I'll post it up for you!" Below is what he sent me. I literally cut and paste this from my email to your eyes.

"It's called 'Pick-up Spots'

Location; sagamore hotel, miami
Time; 7:28pm
Scene. Wow. Lady gaga would be embarassed here. What do parents do to their kids to make them want to dress like this?"

That's it? That's what you wanted to post? Blainebo! You are going to have to try a bit harder than that! Let me point out what strikes me as unusual.

1. Miami? He knows the title of my blog is "Adventures in New York Dating" right? I mean, I'm all about so-called "Pick-up Spots," but in my neighborhood pick-up spots would be preferable. I'm not going to travel to Miami to find a dude. I'm not that desperate. Maybe sometimes I am. NO NO I'm definitely not! ...maybe.

2. 7:28pm? That's a little early to be trying to pick up a hottie on a Saturday night. That's M-F happy hour pick-up time. I think most of the people you are going to pick up are going to be either of AARP age or "regulars." And by regulars, I mean they are already going to be vomit-wasted by this time and they do this every day.

3. I don't even know how to begin to tackle this last one. The only place Lady Gaga would ever be embarrassed would be at a rodeo. Wait, no. She'd probably be ok with that. Maybe a retirement home? A J. Crew photo shoot? At a WASPy dinner party? I can't think of anything...

"What do parents do to their kids to make them want to dress like this?" Ok, verge of funny right now, but what are they wearing!? And why are their kids at a bar? Am I misinterpreting? Help! Help!

OH man. It was a good attempt, but A LITTLE more effort needs to be involved, amiright?

Blainebo emailed me on Monday, "No recollection of this email chain. Ha ha." So, I'm giving him a break on this one! Too much Miami heat and Lady Gaga wanna-be's.

Miami? Really?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Hobble: An Epic Tale

Written by A. R. R. Tolkien

The Hobble follows the epic quest of the cane-bearing Blainebo Baggins.

"In a bar in Brooklyn there drank a hobble. Not a nasty, dirty, wet bar, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy bar with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobble-bar, and that means drunk bitches."

It had a perfectly stocked bar like you would imagine in any bar in Brooklyn. The Hobble had a plan for the night. I plan that would go down in history as the best pick-up technique ever seen by Man and Hobble alike.

We begin our story with two Women imbibing at The Sackett-shire bar just a few jaunts away from the Hobble-bar (also known to shire-folk as Union Hall). The two Women met up past the hour of midnight for they both had quests to fulfill prior to their rendez-vous. They laughed and drank ales until the quiet setting was to calm for their liking.

They sauntered up the trail to Union Hall so they might enjoy a livelier crowd for the evening, as this night was turning out to be quite a fun adventure for both of them. These Women are seasoned veterans when talking to Men, so they decided to use their skills for the good of Man- and Womankind.

Union Hall was disappointingly not as bustling as they had hoped, but they made the most of the night and positioned themselves by some attractive hat-bearing Men. To which, the Women quickly decided to leave for there was a dance party in the basement. Classic rock music played as the gyrated on the dance floor getting their "groove thing on" as some folk might say.

The dance party died down from a musical folly by the Disc Jockey, so the Women took their places by the hat-bearing Men.

I must tell you at this time, these Women, nor any folk in the bar for that matter, realized that this was, in fact, a Hobble-bar.

The Women began to converse with the hat-bearing Men and they learned that these Men were born of the country to the North and were at Union Hall on an adventure from their land. One of the Women also hails from the North country, so she was pleased to speak with her fellow countrymen.

The glasses-bearing Woman was particularly fond of the stripe-bearing Man for he had a smile that lit the room and eyes that pierced her hardened soul. He was also interested in this Woman for he had left the other Women with which he was playing a friendly game of bocce ball to join the glasses-bearing Woman for an ale. His friend begged him to join them for the remainder of the game for it was obvious that he was interested in the young Women bearing little clothes on this frigid evening.

The Men left these Women to finish their ales on their own, and this is the part of the story where the Hobble enters. The Women were laughing and enjoying each other's company when out of nowhere the cane-bearing Hobble questioned them.

"Are you making fun of my disability?"

The Women did not even see him walk towards them so they were quite shocked at his question. Their faces blanched, for they were loving Women and cared for all creatures in the Earth - except for cats. The Northern Woman earlier had conjectured that cats were "weird creatures" and she wished them all dead. The glasses-bearing Woman had a cat for a pet, but found no offense to her statement as she knew the Northern Woman had finally admitted what she had known to be her feelings all along.

So, the Women with faces blanched hastily denied that they were laughing at his disability and were worried they had offended the Hobble. The Hobble then laughed and the Women realized something. The Woman from the North spoke first.

"Is that your line?? If that's your line, I will have sex with you tonight."

The Hobble admitted that he was indeed using a line on the Women and they all had a merry laugh about it. What fun! What fun was had for the remainder of the evening. The Hobble told the Women they he had just hurt his knee the day before and did not have a disability, rather an injury. This Hobble certainly knew how to entertain, which is true of most Hobbles. They are a jolly folk indeed.

The Women were then joined by the Hobble's friends who turned out to be Men. The glasses-bearing Woman played wing-man for the Northern Woman as she laughed the evening away with her new Hobble love interest. A good time was had by all. They drank ale and told stories until the wee hours of the morning when the Hobble-bar started closing down the metal gates.

The glasses-bearing Woman glanced towards the bar where she saw the stripe-bearing Man she had spoken with earlier in the evening. They waved at one another and knew, just knew, that they would never see each other again. It was a sad moment for the glasses-bearing Woman as she had thought this Man was quite nice and very attractive. They shared one final goodbye wave and the stripe-bearing Man left into the cold of the night without another word spoken.

The Women left the bar with the Hobble and his jolly friends and they all went their separate ways. Little did they know that the Hobble and the Northern Woman arranged a secret rendez-vous at her living quarters. The Hobble and the Woman were enjoying each other's company when the Woman questioned him.

"Am I hurting your knee? Wait. You're not even injured are you?"

The Hobble admitted, "Nope. I'm not." And he got up and walked to the restroom. When he returned he told her that he found the cane on the street on the way to the bar to meet his friends. His friends were also unaware of his false injury, which made the Woman laugh even harder than she already was for this was the most amazing story she had ever heard. The Woman pleaded to the Hobble that they must be friends even if being romantic didn't work out for them. She found him to be interesting for he was a Master. A Master pick-up artist with skills unseen by her before. She was known as the Guru in some circles, but she realized quickly that the Hobble had surpassed her skills.

The Hobble left her living quarters the next morning and limped into the sunlight knowing that he had accomplished a magnificent feat. He had accomplished what he set out for the evening. The sun shone down on him as he walked off into the distance...