Digital Digital Break-Up

So, friends, colleagues, lovers, haters, cats, dogs, infants, as previously mentioned, I went on a date last week. LP had been using the good ole OkCupid! recently and going on lots o dates, so I signed my cute (firm) butt up to the site – also as previously mentioned.

The first email that this guy sent to me was hilarious, and every single email after that initial contact followed suit. So, needless-to-say, I was excited to go out with the guy. From his picture, I didn’t think he was super cute, but pictures can’t always give the full … picture? … of what a person looks like. And I’m not THAT shallow. Sometimes, maybe.

We went out on our fantastical date on a rainy Monday night, and everything seemed to go wrong from the moment I met up with him. The restaurant he wanted to go to had a long wait (he didn’t make a reservation), he ordered an entire bottle of wine for our meal (that’s way too much for a first date), he told me about his ex-girlfriend (they were together for five years and they broke up after he proposed), he didn’t offer to pay (it’s the gesture that counts), he emailed me continually following the date (once when he got home that night, the next morning, another one that day, the following day, the day after). It was just a snowball of all the wrong moves.

I was feeling smothered and extremely awkward. I felt like I was already in a relationship with the guy and we got to the phase when we wear sweatpants around each other and eat ice cream out of the carton as it drips onto our sweats and gets all over our faces, then we pass out.

“Honey, pass me the remote."

“…”

“Honey!?”

“What?”

“The remote?”

“Oh. I’m hungry”

So exciting.

I am not old fashioned at all, but dating is smoke in mirrors. Yes, you should be yourself, but there are “rules” for a reason, though you shouldn’t follow them too strictly. It’s all about anticipation and the excitement (and that poopy-pants feeling) of getting to know someone slowly. Hot, right? Totally.

I blew him off over the weekend – he asked me out on Wednesday and was upset because Friday was TOO LONG to wait to see me. CHILLOUTWEJUSTMET. I know I’m pretty awesome, but work for it dude! Make me want to date you.

I had to write him the dreaded break-up email that basically said I didn’t feel the chemistry between the two of us blahbity blah blah. He was really nice in his response, which was comforting, but I still felt bad for having to write the email in the first place. I got advice from a few lady friends about what to say. Surprisingly, I have a bunch of friends who have had to write the same exact email. I’m also prone to give someone a second chance, because dates can be awkward and people get really nervous! But, it was way too much follow-up work on his behalf.

My friend once got a preemptive break up email from a potential suitor. She had gone on one date with him – met him online – and the day after their date, he wrote to her to let her down. He didn’t “feel cupid’s dart” but thought she was great, which (spoiler alert) she is. She’s one of the coolest, most bad-ass chicks I know. AND she’s extremely hot. Cupid’s dart? Really? Really? Not a super masculine thing to say. Any dude who writes that in an email isn’t good enough for that foxy lady. Not at aaaalllllll.

She thought it was hilarious that he had to write the email in the first place. “He could have just never written me and I wouldn’t have cared.”

What to do after a date! How long do you wait to contact the person if you like them? Some people say a few days. Some people say a week. Some people say … never. But those people are jerks.