Ok, Cupid

Oh man readers! I started online dating! Again! I tried doing this a few years ago and I absolutely hated it. I got a few messages from only really creepy guys, but I never ended up going out on any dates with anyone.

“Is there no one out there who is normal and wants to date me!?”

I shouted that many times out my bedroom window and the crazy old lady across the street looked at me like she saw a younger version of herself. I immediately puked, showered, brushed my teeth and hooked up with a young Hispanic dude in my building. None of that actually happened. Or did it!?!?!

At any rate! My good pal, LP, told me that she had been using OkCupid! for awhile and lurved it. She was going out on lots of dates, and she assured me that there are far more normal peeps on this site as compared to the site I was using. In fact, she and the guru have been dating a lot lately (sluts! Kidding LOVE YOU) and I felt like I should throw myself in the mix, get some hunky dude to take me out, take me dancing or something...

Or he could take me to a really fancy restaurant and have the maître d hire a violinist to play a beautiful song while an opera singer backs him up. Then, he’ll take me back to his place where it’s covered in roses and lit candles, but it’s not a fire hazard, it’s an amazing love den for the two of us! Can you imagine!? Ah, such romance. Such intimacy. (This entire entry is being written in bed while my cat chases her tail. I am awesome.)

While I wait for the inevitable (or impossible), I will have to resort to dating some dudes online or at least emailing with them. OkCupid are the same people who bring us all Crazy Blind Date, and you all know how I feel about Crazy Blind Date. It’s pretty much amazing and everyone needs to do it at least once. Fo reals. It’s the shiznizzle bomb.

OkCupid has so far been really great. I’ve gotten a bunch of messages from normal sounding dudes and have even gone out on a date! I’ve been on the site for a week, and I had a date! Me! A DATE! The date was a lot of fun and I’ll have to update you on that later, because of course there were plenty o awkward moments...

For now, there are more important matters at hand. While OkCupid has given me a much better experience this time around with online dating, there is still some weird shit going on. Not gonna lie. I hate the whole “wink” function. I understand that people are shy about dating and that’s why they signed up to date online, but just write a message. On the other hand, I’ve gotten a message that probably should have been a wink. It read: Hello. I came in my pants when I read that. Such poetry! So much effort!

I’m a bitch. I know.

But the best message that I have received so far was sent to me by a 37 year old man, who doesn’t even have a picture up on his profile, he has a painting of a woman. His message will live forever in my mind. His heart will go on.

“you are so pretty and feminine.... ;-) so lucky to be a girl.

hugs

xo”

Thank…you? I am lucky to be a girl, especially once a month. Right!? Too much, sorry. Yeah, so I just ignored this message. It doesn’t make any sense and in all honesty, it freaked me out. I went to his profile to see what his deal was and I found that he is married. Married. He is married. Who married him?? Apparently, he and his wife are A-OK with having lovers. That concept makes me uncomfortable. I don’t really think you should get married if you want to have lovers, but that’s just me. Call me old fashioned!

So, I thought I would never hear from him again, since I blatantly ignored his message, but today as I was trying to find my dream man who will take me on horseback rides in the Caribbean and draw a bath for me after a long day with cold champagne ready for the drinkin’ all set up near the heart shaped bath tub… Ah sorry. Fantasies are getting out of hand!

Anyway, I got an IM from the married dude:

“is it weird that as a man i want a special female friend who has or might have another male lover?”

WHAT! We just went from Weirdsville to Whatthefuckisgoingontown. Who writes that!? There was no, “Hi, how you doing? Crazy weather we’re having? I like my ladies to have multiple lovers. Interested?”

Needless-to-say, I blocked the guy. I definitely don’t need head cases contacting me on a dating website, and I definitely don’t want to date someone who is openly cheating on their wife either. Even if they are both cool with it. It freaks me out.

Sigh! Don’t worry though. I have faith in this website. I will find that man who will let me sleep late because I had a long night, then bring me breakfast in bed because I’m too hungover to get up. He’ll make the best omelet I’ve ever tasted and bring me coffee straight from Columbia surprising me with tickets to Columbia and we’ll laugh and pack and leave the country without a worry in the world! Sigh, indeed.

Until then, I’ll try to steer clear of Whatthefuckisgoingontown and you should to.